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After reading the hilarious and highly graphic article about so-called “Devil’s Threesomes,” it got me thinking about other permutations of group sex, and the unique challenges that come with all of them. Pun absolutely intended. A lot of our commenters seemed to find the Male-Female-Male, spit-roast threesome to be something that was easily written off and derided, whereas a threesome with two women is totally normal and one of the best things ever, according to one of our commenters, who may or may not have ever experienced a FMF threesome in their lives, other than safely behind a computer screen. Take it from me (giggity), while they’re one of the greatest sexual experiences a person can have, if not handled correctly, a threesome with two girls can be downright disastrous.
Paying Proper Attention
In any threesome situation, there’s always someone you have to pay more attention to than the other, and if you don’t, you’re gonna get an earful as soon as the other person leaves. Remember in “Entourage” when E woke up snuggling Sloan’s friend? You’d best make sure you don’t do that. I don’t care if it’s your FWB that you talked into doing the deed, your nymphomaniac, bi-curious girlfriend, or your wife of 20 years that got a little too drunk with her recently divorced friend, it’s up to you to make your “main” girl feel the most special. Otherwise, you’re not doing this for the experience, you’re doing this for guilt-free strange without actually cheating. And that’s not good.
Stamina
For most people, it’s hard enough to please one woman. Try two. At the same time. Neither of them are going to “wait their turn” while you’re huffing and wheezing and ask for five minutes to “fluff up” in the bathroom and take a puff of your inhaler. No. These are two, living, breathing women, and you’ve got to take care of both of them at once. Use all the tools at your disposal: Hands. Mouth. Your Willy. Marital aids. Power tools. Electric toothbrushes. Hairbrushes. Whatever you’ve got up your sleeve, use it, and use it now. A fun way to keep things kinky AND save your strength is to tie one of them up while you work one-on-one with the other girl. Then have them swap. Never fails.
Don’t Force the Girl-Girl Action
Look, we all know what the expectation is when it comes to a FMF threesome. We’ve all watched porn, and we’ve all watched threesome porn especially, regardless of gender or (in many cases) sexual orientation. Seriously, every girl I’ve polled (heh) has seen it and, frankly, enjoys it. When it comes to threesome porn with two girls, it usually consists of the guy giving one girl the good D while she makes sweet, tender girl love to the other female in the room. And while that’s bound to happen, you can’t force it. If you kinda take a backseat and let things progress as they normally would, they’re bound to happen. That’s what happens when hormones are flying and people are charged up, coupled with the inordinate amount of alcohol you’ve all probably put into your systems to get you brave enough to embark on this trio adventure. But if you’re forcing the girls to do stuff, you look creepy. Nobody should do ANYTHING they’re not comfortable with and everyone should be consenting the entire time. That’s the best way to ensure that everyone has an awesome time, and not to mention the possibility of a repeat occurrence. Because what’s better than one threesome? Two threesomes, that’s what.
The Aftermath
The second the other girl leaves and the door closes behind her shapely, now-slightly more familiar ass, things have changed. The two of you opened your bedroom door and your legs to a third person, and you can’t just ignore that fact. You can’t go on pretending it didn’t happen, you absolutely have to discuss it openly and honestly. I mean, hopefully it was a fantastic experience you both might mutually want to try again. If either of you were uncomfortable, address it immediately and try to resolve it; otherwise it will fester, cause arguments and ruin an otherwise great relationship. I mean, you’re in a relationship that allows threesomes, it HAS to be at least marginally great, so don’t ruin that by refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
And for fuck’s sake, if you’re the guy in the FFM situation, do NOT start texting the girl afterwards one on one. That’s a rookie mistake, dude. It’s probably the dumbest thing you can possibly do. If your significant other texts her, that’s fine. If you’re in a group-chat together, the three of you, that’s fine as well. But if you’re texting a girl that you just had sex with behind your S/O’s back, that’s a dealbreaker. That’s actual cheating, and I’ve seen that simple act ruin a bunch of relationships. If you never, ever want to have a threesome again, by all means, do the opposite of what I just suggested. By all accounts, you should probably never speak to the other girl again, unless she’s a friend and she’s ALSO cool with the situation, in which case, you may have found yourself a recurring guest star in the bedroom. Lucky you. But that involves you and your girlfriend/fiancée/wife/FWB having a long, in-depth discussion about your feelings, before you do the same with your threesome buddy.
In the end (heh), group sex is one of the most fun activities you can take part in, and it can actually be very beneficial and healthy to your relationship. It’s a group activity where both of you are exploring your deepest, wildest, most depraved sexual fantasies, and you’re facing them together, as a couple. It can bind you together and make you stronger. But it’s also very easy to blow it (giggity). Jealousy and hurt feelings are all too common when it comes to threesomes, and really, they’re supposed to just be a fun, crazy activity for you to talk about for years to come (that’s what she said). Follow these steps and everyone will have fun. Communication, openness and honesty are the key here, and if you and your partner talk about what you want, you’ll be more than fine. Otherwise, the only threesome you’ll be having from now on is with Lefty and Righty. Good luck and godspeed, you horny bastards.
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I’m gonna go walk off this boner.
Your Jewish ass has had a threeway before?
Doing god’s work with this article, JayTas.
I underestimated you.
Besides you throwing in the early surprise, your liberal use of giggity was absolutely necessary to making this article work.