I haven’t been single in about three years. That means I came into the game way, way too late to really know how to use Tinder and other dating apps. That shit got big after I “wifed up.” But now that I’m single, at the request of friends, well-wishers, and religious leaders, I decided to give it a try.
We’re living in a pretty amazing age when it comes to meeting people without actually having to put on pants. We’ve got Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, JSwipe, and even older dating sites like eHarmony and Match, which let us meet people we don’t know in a low-pressure situation. If it doesn’t work out, you just stop talking. Sounds perfect, right?
Wrong. Dead wrong. There are some fucking awful creepers and crazy people on these apps. See, our friends over at TFM cover ridiculous pickup lines, and the lovely ladies of TSM show us creepy Tinder interactions, but I want to show you what happens after the chatting phase, when you actually agree to exchange numbers and meet up. I want to take you on a horrifying journey of when swiping right goes so horribly wrong.
The following are real stories of real people who’ve had some pretty crazy Tinder-related misadventures. Names, locations, and other details have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent.
This wasn’t on Tinder, it was the Jewish dating app, JSwipe. It’s cool because you mainly only meet Members of the Tribe, plus when you match with someone, it says “Mazel Tov” and stick figures do the Hora and lift another stick figure up in a chair.
I started talking to and met this girl Rachel. She seemed cool, cute from her pictures, she lived in my neighborhood, and, as the conversation went on, I found out she was increasingly DTF, which is ideal. As we go on talking, I find out that she’s 10 pounds of crazy in a five pound bag. I can tolerate a certain level of crazy, but this girl was clinical, and, frankly, she wasn’t hot enough to justify that level of crazy. Not even Anna Kendrick is hot enough to pull that off. So I kind of started ignoring her and moved on.
Then I match with this other girl, Rebecca. Rebecca’s cute, we start chatting, she lives a borough away from me. In the middle of the conversation, she says something incredibly crazy about how she “doesn’t want a pen pal,” completely unprompted, and breaks it off with zero warning. Nothing.
Then I get a text from Rachel that says, “I think you’re chatting with my sister.”
Somehow, through the magic of the internet, I matched up with two crazy girls from two different areas of a city filled with eight million people, and they happened to be sisters. I should send their mom a present: matching straightjackets.
That might be the most frightening thing to hit New York City since “Sister Act: The Musical” closed.
This next one is from a major sports fan who couldn’t quite figure out which team her date played for.
The Tinder world is a magical place if you are a girl. I was going through a period of “I don’t want to date anyone, but going on an obscene amount of dates and getting free drinks sounds awesome.” I was practically serial dating.
After matching with a guy who was very, VERY out of my league, we chatted a bit and he asked me out for margaritas, which is obviously impossible to deny, so we set it up. This was around the time of the MLB playoff season, so I asked if we could meet up after a game. He was a bit confused but he agreed. When we finally met up, he was impeccably dressed, much more than I expected for drinks, and I was thoroughly impressed. We chatted briefly on the walk over, but nothing of real substance, so I was excited to get to know him better when we finally got to the restaurant.
We sat down at the bar and ESPN was playing on the television above the bar, which was great because we could discuss any interesting topics that would pop up…or so I thought. As the night progressed, I tried to get to know him more by using what I assumed was the most common interest between me and the male species (sports) but he asked a lot of questions about teams and players. It seemed as if he had never witnessed professional sports for a moment of his life. He kept asking basic questions like, “Is there an NBA team around here?” and “I thought LeBron played in Cleveland?” and I knew something was up.
It wasn’t until he started divulging his dream to start his own men’s fashion line and his love of “a high end silk” that I realized this dude was definitely batting for the other team and hadn’t realized or admitted it yet. I tried to make things as comfortable as possible, but things continued to get more and more awkward as I discussed the World Series hopefuls and he asked who designed their uniforms. Eventually, the date ended and we thankfully never spoke again.
Swing and a miss.
Let’s hear from a dude who got stood up at a music festival and was left holding the bag…AND his member:
Let’s talk about my worst Tinder date ever. I had been talking to this girl who goes to Alabama but was in DC for the summer. She asked if I’d go see Old Crow Medicine Show up near Baltimore out in the boondocks of Baltimore county. I figured it would be a fun festival, so I bought a ticket.
After I did, I couldn’t contact her. Like, Tinder, text, smoke signals, giant carrier eagle. Nothing worked. I assumed she’d text me when I got to the concert that Saturday. Nothing. So, I spent the day at a concert festival alone (well, until I ran into a few friends from school and ended up hanging out with them), saw OCMS, and then dropped by a friend’s place on the way home to get laid, because I’m not about giving up. Anyway, fuck that girl. Having me buy tickets for a concert then not showing up? That’s a bitchy thing to do.
Finally, let’s hear from a young lady whose date wanted her to get close with his friends…a little too close:
“The Inner Circle”
I was a little leery of Tinder after having gone on some dates with some sketchballs, but when I matched with “John” [name changed to protect the guilty], I felt pretty confident because we had a few mutual friends. It turned out that he worked with the mother of one of my close friends, and she absolutely raved about him, so I figured how bad could he be? Turns out, pretty bad.
Upon arrival at our “brunch” date, which was now at 3 p.m. because he was sleeping off a massive hangover, I discover that he’s a good two inches shorter than I am. At 5-foot-3, I’m small to begin with, but height isn’t a deal breaker for me, so I stuck around. He then proceeded to kick off the date by showing me pictures on his phone of him and the porn star he had met the night before. I am not anti-porn by any means, but if we could save it until the second date, that would be great.
Once I was able to steer the conversation away from the porn star and her massive boobs, we started talking about how one of his roommates was moving out and he was interviewing new ones. Normal convo, until he casually mentioned that one of the questions he asks the potential new roommates is how they feel about circle jerks. I laughed, thinking it was joke. Except that he was totally and completely serious. So I shovel my salad in as fast as possible in an effort to escape this guy who I am now convinced is a sexual deviant. Once we are done, he insists upon driving me to my car, even though it’s only two blocks away. For the sake of getting the fuck out of there as fast as possible, I agree. Once he pulls up next to my car, I go to get out and he leans over. I decide that if a kiss gets me out of this car, it’s worth the sacrifice. Except that what he did cannot be describing as kissing. It was more like licking my face like he’s a golden retriever. I grab the door handle and pretty much throw myself onto the street. He says something about getting together soon and I vaguely wave a hand, jump into my car, and get the hell out of there.
What a jerk..
If you have any horror stories from Tinder, Jswipe, OKCupid, or any other dating apps that you want to share, send them to JayTasPGP@gmail.com.