39 Thoughts Every Woman Has During The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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It’s the most wonderful yet clinically depressing time of the year! I mean, sure, there’s Christmas or whatever, but I’m talking about the most glorious night of the year, where some of the world’s most unfairly beautiful creatures strut across the runway to the newest Taylor Swift songs in lingerie and wings. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is here, so grab your wine glass, your most judgmental friends, and get comfortable. We’re going to be here a while.

  1. OMG, I’m so excited!
  2. They are literally, like, the most perfect people in the entire world.
  3. Ugh, why are they so perfect?
  5. I blame genetics. I mean, why couldn’t Mom have hooked up with a Brazilian model on that cold day in 1990 instead?
  6. Sure, she “loves” me or whatever, but I could have been a Victoria’s Secret Angel.
  7. A Victoria’s Secret Angel with hopes.
  8. And dreams.
  10. But, like, it’s cool. I’m sure the economy will get better eventually.
  11. Maybe even before I wind up homeless on the streets, begging for loose change and a Snuggie.
  12. Where is that bottle of wine? I don’t even need the glass.
  13. Why does Taylor Swift even look super hot? She’s a bronze goddess in a sea of literal Angels.
  14. Why can’t awkward T.Swift be out there to give the rest of the world a decent amount of hope?
  15. How would you even get all of that off in a moment of passion?
  16. “LOL, excuse me, but would you and your massive boner mind waiting, like, 10 minutes so I can get this chastity belt of a contraption away from my vagina? Thanks.”
  17. But I want it.
  18. Zero percent of this stuff is ever in the store.
  19. But, then again, that might be because I can never make it past the five for $26 panties section.
  20. I want everything about that. I want those panties, and that bra, and those thigh-high stockings…
  21. And those legs.
  22. And those abs.
  23. And that hair.
  24. And those wings.
  25. And that job.
  26. I wonder how many calories a day you’d have to burn to look like that.
  27. I wonder when my pizza is going to get here.
  28. You might have flat abs and an ass you could bounce a Sacagawea coin off of, BUT I HAVE THIS PIZZA.
  29. You will never know happiness.
  30. I have never hated myself more for eating four slices of pizza.
  31. My food baby and I are so disgusted with ourselves.
  32. Thank God I’m wearing these sweat pants, though. You’ve got plenty of room to grow, little food baby.
  33. Wait, she has a real baby and looks that good?
  34. Oh. That’s…nice.
  35. GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD! I hardly knew you.
  36. Are the Victoria’s Secret Angels’ workout routines on Pinterest?
  37. HAHA, I can eat this pizza and have your abs!
  38. Oh, no–that’s a burpee and I would rather be on “My 600-lb Life” than do a burpee.
  39. And now it’s over. Time to binge eat and self-loathe for the rest of the night before waking my ass up at the crack of dawn and making short-lived plans to better myself in the morning.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show airs tonight at 10/9c on CBS. You’re welcome.

Image via YouTube

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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