The easiest way to get us to do anything faster is to send multiple emails before we respond. But if you really want to speed things up, TYPE YOUR ENTIRE EMAIL IN CAPITAL LETTERS.
We control the weather. That storm in the northeast that delayed delivery? Rachel in biz dev thought of it. She got a raise.
We have a fun game where we punt all the boxes labeled “fragile” into a concrete wall. It’s a blast.
Yes, you are so right. I CAN trace your shipment that the carrier can’t even find.
The reason it takes more than 2 minutes to respond to your email is not because we have multiple customer requests, it’s because we have a bet going on who can get a customer to snap first. My money’s on you, pal.
Every tenth order we tell the UPS guy to pitch shit off the side of the truck. Because, you know, fuck you.
I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m glad you made me aware of that. I guess I’ll crack that training manual open today. Now, if I only knew how to read…
If all else fails, threaten to contact the Better Business Bureau. It will shake me to my core and force your shipment to become un-lost in transit.
The reason for the comma after “Thanks,” at the end of our emails is for the implied “Satan” we wish we could say.
We actually never sleep. So if you send a request at three in the morning, I’ll send a follow up at four to ensure we pick up the pace.
I am not a person, so for the love of God do not treat me like one. I don’t value patience or understanding.
Always expect a full refund or exchange for anything you have ever bought from our store no matter how long ago you bought it. No receipt? No problem! I love giving away money.
Swearing is a professional courtesy that can open doors for you. We respect the fuck out of it.
Treating us like shit is a great way to let off steam. We’ve never had a bad day, so feel free to dig in.
Mispronouncing names is another one of those games we love to play. But nothing beats kicking your shit into that concrete wall. God I love that game.
I clearly never went to college, so strategically implementing a robust vernacular will convince me you warrant the utmost respect and can discombobulate my pion customer service brain.
You totally don’t sound like an douche if you talk like that.
If something you want is out of stock, just ask us to check the back. There’s ALWAYS more in the back.
If we can’t find it there, we’ll hand make it for you. That’s our job, right?
Please don’t ask for my manager. I hate having to do less work.
Nothing gives me more of a customer dissatisfaction boner than knowing your kids will be missing a gift under the tree.
Speaking of gifts, please stress that an order is a Christmas gift. We’re all Godless beings void of human emotion, so we’ll be extra sure those orders are fucked.
We’re pretty stoked our competence as an employee is determined by someone who has a hissy fit over a five dollar item we didn’t make or send.
Whenever you have a problem, assume I caused it. I have total control over all company operations.
If you didn’t read the terms and conditions, they don’t apply to you. We too believe ignorance is bliss.
We also retroactively add rules to our terms and conditions. We know you don’t read them.
When all else fails, belittle the person with your address and credit card information.
The United States Postal Service is one of the most effectively run facets of our government. If they told you to contact us about anything shipment related, they definitely aren’t blowing you off.
Saturday and Sunday are business days. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If I don’t work in our remote warehouse, I will make the 2-hour drive to personally hand pack your $15 dollar order if you bring it up. I don’t know why more of you aren’t asking for this service.
Assuming that we will give you something for free is a binding legal contract, and we have to do it.
Dropping a superior’s name is a sure fire way to improve service. Nothing works like backhanded threats.
Technology is foolproof. We never have problems with our system, and any time we say we are is a boldface lie. We love to lie.
You know that “Why is this happening to me?” feeling you get when something doesn’t work perfectly? We live for that.
If it always seems like you are the one with bad luck when it comes to customer service, I have some bad news. We have a list, and you’re on it.
Why are you on it? Because fuck you, that’s why.
I don’t know how you figured it out, but yes, there is a conspiracy. We are out to ruin your life.