33 Signs You Need To Dump Your Girlfriend


  1. She’s frequently “forgets” to take the pill.
  2. She speaks to you in a baby voice.
  3. You recently found a GPS tracker on the bottom of your car.
  4. She’s Photoshopped your faces together to see what your kids would look like.
  5. She watches far too many crime shows about women killing their husbands.
  6. Her mom looks like a cross between Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler.
  7. She’s gone up two jean sizes since you started dating four months ago.
  8. Taylor Swift is her hero.
  9. She has a Word document titled “Baby Names <3” saved to her desktop.
  10. Your mom hates her.
  11. Your friends hate her.
  12. Sometimes you think that you hate her.
  13. You’re forced to attend couple’s counseling on a weekly basis.
  14. You’re expected to foot the bill for said couple’s counseling.
  15. On multiple occasions, she’s said that she “really respects Lorena Bobbitt.”
  16. She has in depth conversations with you about her period.
  17. She has a dog that can fit in a purse.
  18. Her nickname in college was “crazy eyes.”
  19. She suggested that you send out a joint Christmas card. You’ve been dating for three weeks.
  20. You’re pretty sure she’s capable of murder.
  21. She has “forever young” tattooed on her hip bone.
  22. You found her with a safety pin and a box of condoms the other day.
  23. She’s a biter.
  24. She frequently hacks into your email.
  25. Her best friend once told you to “watch your back.”
  26. She has said her ex-boyfriend’s name in bed…on multiple occasions.
  27. She cried when Jodie Arias was convicted.
  28. Her sewing pin cushion looks a lot like a doll. And that doll looks a lot like you.
  29. You’re forced to celebrate weekly anniversaries.
  30. She hates Billy Joel.
  31. You frequently fantasize about having her committed.
  32. She calls your boss to check in on you.
  33. She asked you to make her the beneficiary of your life insurance policy.


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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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