Remember when you were younger, and there was always a participation award? Like, “Hey you didn’t do anything super awesome or note-worthy, but here’s something for showing up!” Life was great back in the day. Sure, you couldn’t do 150 sit-ups for the presidential fitness test, but you did 50, and that’s still pretty impressive. When you did something impressive, like turn in your homework for a week straight or were a great door holder, you got a gold star. Everything was rewarded back in the day, and you’re a liar if you don’t miss that. In the real world, apparently “participation awards” and “gold stars” don’t exist for mediocrity, when they totally should. If some punk can get a patch that says “participant” with the presidential seal on it for running a 12 minute mile, I should get a gold star for not blacking out at happy hour, damn it. Here’s what I think should be rewarded with a gold star:

1. Depositing money into a savings account.
2. Not pressing snooze on my alarm more than two times.
3. Getting everything on my to-do list done.
4. Actually using my planner longer than a week.
5. Not spending my whole paycheck on alcohol and at Target.
6. Doing my laundry.
7. Folding my laundry.
8. Putting my clothes in my dresser instead of leaving them in piles around my room.
9. Not being pregnant.
10. Wishing someone a happy birthday without Facebook reminding me.
11. Sticking to my diet longer than two days.
12. Not being late to work for a week straight.
13. Knowing exactly where my wallet, keys, and phone are after going out the night before.
14. Working for two hours straight without a social media break.
15. Cleaning my house/apartment.
16. Actually, I’ll settle for just cleaning my room.
17. Going through/deleting my emails.
18. Not strangling the annoying co-worker as they go into their 4th meaningless story about their kid/roommate/cat that hour.
19. Applying for a job.
20. Not going over data usage for my cell phone.
21. Paying all of my bills on time.
22. Getting 30 minutes of cardio in.
23. Opening a stubborn jar of pickles.
24. Deleting Candy Crush.
25. Helping someone move.
26. Remembering to take vitamins.
27. Not just heating up leftovers, but actually cooking for myself.
28. Having exact change for a purchase.