28 VICE Headlines That Are Fake But I Really Wish Weren’t

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VICE is a truly excellent publication. Billing themselves as “The definitive guide to enlightening information” is a hard undersell and much truer than the casual observer will realize. There’s no other place to become enlightened about finding drugs on the street with a bum named Mad Mike, the demise of the last Canadian reindeer herder, and one writer’s experience eating sushi on an Australian porn set.

It delves into topics you didn’t previously know existed, touches parts of your psyche not previously explored, and genuinely keeps you entranced throughout. I never knew Canada had reindeer herders, or that reindeer herding was even a thing, but now I NEED to know what’s happening to the last remaining one. Why is he giving it up? Do Canadian reindeer no longer need herding? Is there no money to be had in the reindeer herding industry? Have the reindeer been sufficiently conditioned to herd themselves? The FUCK is going on up there?

VICE touches on crime, culture, entertainment, global and domestic issues, sex, tech and more — each article seemingly more niche and obscure than the next. I want more, though. Below are 28 VICE headlines I hope to see in the future:

1. I Ate An Entire 64-Count Box Of Crayons To See What Would Happen
2. I Took LSD And Substitute Taught A Kindergarten Class
3. We Spent A Day With ‘El Diablo Blanco,’ The Leader Of A Ruthless 3rd Grade Suburban Street Gang
4. Meet The 86-Year-Old Great Grandmother Behind The Budding Ketamine Industry Of The Greater Portland Area
5. I Worked As A Vegan Chef In A Mexican Cartel Hideaway House And Learned The Art Of Sustainable Agriculture
6. I Intentionally Walked In On My Grandparents Having Sex And Interviewed Them About the Experience
7. I Reached Out To All 468 members Of My High School Graduation Class, Except The 9 Who Have Since Died
8. I Peed My Pants While Driving to Work Every Day For A Year And Here Is What I Learned
9. Masturbating In Space: What The Martian Got Wrong About Life Alone On Mars
10. I Drove Recklessly Without Wearing A Seatbelt For An Entire Year To See What Would Happen
11. We Drank Ayahuasca And Took The ACT
12. I Went Through My Neighbor’s Trash For Three Months, Here Are The Most Interesting Items I Found
13. We Sneakily Snapped 25 Chilling Photographs Of A Brazilian Biker Gang Who Explicitly Told Us They’d Slit Our Throats If We Photographed Them
14. I Smuggled A Key Of Heroin In Several Of My Orifices Between The U.S. And Cuba 7 Times Without Getting Busted
15. We Made Our Own Mothers Try Jenkem And Observed Them For 24 Hours
16. I Wore A Kevlar Vest And Let My 8-Year-Old Nephew Unload A Full Clip Into My Chest With A .40 Caliber Glock
17. I Attended A Libertarian Party Fundraiser After Partaking In An Ancient Shamanic Ritual
18. Deep Inside The Amish Crime Syndicate
19. I Infiltrated A Retirement Home Sex Club To Better Understand Promiscuity At 90
20. I Spent 35 Days Selling Street Piñatas In Juarez And This Is What I Learned
21. Inside Look: An Examination Of The Bizarre Sex Fetishes Of Hamas Leaders In The Gaza Strip
22. I Taped An Online Meme To An Art Gallery Wall And It Sold For $13,000
23. Talking To My 11-Year-Old Cousin About Plagiarism, Cheating On Tests, And Life In The Fast Lane
24. Watch This Mind-Blowing Short Film Of The Blind Base-Jumping Group Causing Havoc In Large American Metropolitans
25. We Shouted Racist Jokes Over The Intercom At A Low-Income Neighborhood Elementary School In Chicago And This Was The Reaction
26. I Reached A BAC Of .35 And Tried To Land A Cessna On Lake Minnetonka
27. Exclusive Coverage: We Went Behind The Scenes At The American Pencil Makers Convention In Toledo
28. Talking Impressionism, Seasonal Landscaping, And ‘96 Bordeauxs With Gucci Mane

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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