27 Rejected Trader Joe’s-Style Whimsical Bullshit Foods

26 Rejected Trader Joe's-Style Whimsical Bullshit Foods

Grocery shopping is miserable, but it’s especially bad at a brand-centric hellhole like Trader Joe’s.

This generic, less-expensive Whole Foods-esque grocery has everything millennials love: Cheap wine, grass-fed beef, gluten-free frozen lasagna dinners, etc. It’s the perfect store for the healthy 25-year-old with a job in online marketing and an annual salary hovering somewhere around $45,000.

But not every delicious food item makes the extremely exclusive Trader Joe’s shelves. As an example, here are 27 bullshit Trader Joe’s foods that were thumbs-downed by Joe himself at HQ, courtesy of the Teens.

27. Trade-her Red Crow’s 100% Organic Frisky Wampum

26. Stubborn Joe’s Wheat Laxative

25. Trader Josip’s Dairy and Slav-free Anti-Communist Bloc Of Cheese

24. Trader GMO’s Green Eggs and “Ham”

23. Jamaican Joe’s Extremely Ripe Soggy Bananas

22. Señor José’s Frozen Gluten Free Three Cheese and Black Bean Burritos

21. Fountain Joe’s Radicchio and Watercress Artisan Soda (made with 100% fair trade sugar!)

20. Bland Joe’s Tolerable Nutrition Shapes

19. Veggie Joe’s Stems-Only Frozen Broccoli

18. Joe’s $40 Mystery Box

17. Zoloft Joe’s Microwavable Gluten-Free Vegan Lasagna Dinner For One

16. Diabolical Joe’s Spaghetti Squash Salad Laced With GMO-Free Anthrax Bread Bits

15. Dentist José’s Cilantro Toothpaste

14. Blue State Joe’s Asparagus-Flavored Meningitis Vaccination

13. Trader Joe’s Several Hundred Different Varieties of Crackers You’ve Seen Around the Store All in One Box and You Just Get like One of Each

12. College Joe’s Four Day Old Pepperoni And Sausage Pizza That’s Been Sitting On The Counter Since Midnight Thursday

11. Suspicious Joe’s Meat-Like Substance

10. Seaman Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Fish Sticks

9. Traitor Joe Six-Pack’s Freeze-Fried Dianabol Eggs Benedict Arnold

8. Trader Yūsuf’s Vegan Falafel Burgers

7. Businessman Joe’s Caffeinated Cobb Salad

6. Farmer Joe’s Organic Chocolate Kale Milk

5. Candyman Joe’s Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Quarters (with the crust pre-removed!)

4. Trader Jemima’s Freeze Dried Collard Greens

3. Authoritarian Joe’s Daily Rice Patty Rations

2. Trader Java’s “Extra Pep” Sriracha Cold Brew Coffee

1. Sailor Joe’s Salmon Skin Chips

Have a submission of your own? Leave it in the comments. And for God’s sake, shop at another grocery store.

(h/t Rude Teens Club)

Image via Northfoto /

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