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Grocery shopping is miserable, but it’s especially bad at a brand-centric hellhole like Trader Joe’s.
This generic, less-expensive Whole Foods-esque grocery has everything millennials love: Cheap wine, grass-fed beef, gluten-free frozen lasagna dinners, etc. It’s the perfect store for the healthy 25-year-old with a job in online marketing and an annual salary hovering somewhere around $45,000.
But not every delicious food item makes the extremely exclusive Trader Joe’s shelves. As an example, here are 27 bullshit Trader Joe’s foods that were thumbs-downed by Joe himself at HQ, courtesy of the Teens.
27. Trade-her Red Crow’s 100% Organic Frisky Wampum
26. Stubborn Joe’s Wheat Laxative
25. Trader Josip’s Dairy and Slav-free Anti-Communist Bloc Of Cheese
24. Trader GMO’s Green Eggs and “Ham”
23. Jamaican Joe’s Extremely Ripe Soggy Bananas
22. Señor José’s Frozen Gluten Free Three Cheese and Black Bean Burritos
21. Fountain Joe’s Radicchio and Watercress Artisan Soda (made with 100% fair trade sugar!)
20. Bland Joe’s Tolerable Nutrition Shapes
19. Veggie Joe’s Stems-Only Frozen Broccoli
18. Joe’s $40 Mystery Box
17. Zoloft Joe’s Microwavable Gluten-Free Vegan Lasagna Dinner For One
16. Diabolical Joe’s Spaghetti Squash Salad Laced With GMO-Free Anthrax Bread Bits
15. Dentist José’s Cilantro Toothpaste
14. Blue State Joe’s Asparagus-Flavored Meningitis Vaccination
13. Trader Joe’s Several Hundred Different Varieties of Crackers You’ve Seen Around the Store All in One Box and You Just Get like One of Each
12. College Joe’s Four Day Old Pepperoni And Sausage Pizza That’s Been Sitting On The Counter Since Midnight Thursday
11. Suspicious Joe’s Meat-Like Substance
10. Seaman Joe’s Pumpkin Spice Fish Sticks
9. Traitor Joe Six-Pack’s Freeze-Fried Dianabol Eggs Benedict Arnold
8. Trader Yūsuf’s Vegan Falafel Burgers
7. Businessman Joe’s Caffeinated Cobb Salad
6. Farmer Joe’s Organic Chocolate Kale Milk
5. Candyman Joe’s Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Quarters (with the crust pre-removed!)
4. Trader Jemima’s Freeze Dried Collard Greens
3. Authoritarian Joe’s Daily Rice Patty Rations
2. Trader Java’s “Extra Pep” Sriracha Cold Brew Coffee
1. Sailor Joe’s Salmon Skin Chips
Have a submission of your own? Leave it in the comments. And for God’s sake, shop at another grocery store..
(h/t Rude Teens Club)
Image via Northfoto / Shutterstock.com
Respond
Warlord Joe’s Tangy Sun-Dried Gringo Scalp
Am I reading that up vote count correctly?
Troller Joe’s up votes
Wait, just saw who wrote the article
Authoritarian Joe’s Daily Rice Patty Rations
Trader Bro’s all natural light protien shake
I want some of that candy man Joe’s chocolate covered PBJ business
I appreciate the hell out of whoever decided to pump out a bit of Sunday content.
Trader Moe’s 100 Calorie Alcohol Free Duff Shake.
Oligarch Joe’s Sautéed Monsanto Serfs Drizzled In Economic Depression
Damn you Blue State Joe, trying to get your meningitis vaccination on the list twice!
#8 Actually sounds really good