25 Ways To Be A Cubemate From Hell

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I’m pretty annoying 24/7. My doctor says it’s because I can’t A-D-D or something. Why do I even need to spell when I have spell check? Regardless, as annoying as I am, I could not stand my old cubicle mate. Here are the 25 ways to be the worst cube-mate ever.

1. Tap your pen relentlessly.
2. Click your pen relentlessly after being asked to stop tapping it.
3. Ask your cubemate if your shoes smell weird to him too. Make sure he gets a good whiff.
4. Always use speaker phone.
5. Consume gallons of protein shakes. Shake really, really well before drinking.
6. Time your cubemate every time he uses the bathroom.
7. Let him know when it’s a new record.
8. Crunch your potato chip bag up as tight as possible before discarding.
9. Critique everything your cubemate eats.
10. Send your cubemate emails rather than spinning around to talk.
11. Use the squeakiest chair on the floor.
12. Keep your phone on vibrate on your desk. Start multiple group texts and walk away.
13. Make a pile of used tissues in the corner.
14. Always refer to yourself in the third person.
15. Describe and compare every bowel movement you had this week.
16. Reheat leftover fish and take your time eating it at your desk.
17. Treat everything in the cubicle as communal.
18. Except your things.
19. Make loud sex noises every time you catch your cubemate looking at a girl’s profile.
20. Help your cubemate build antibodies by never covering your sneezes or coughs.
21. Ask your cube-mate his weekend plans. When he says nothing, let you boss know he’s free to work the weekend.
22. Remind your cubemate his alma mater isn’t as prestigious as it once was. They basically let anyone in these days.
23. Genuinely laugh when you see your cubemate carry a gym bag in.
24. Hover around and watch your cubemate hit on the new intern.
25. Talk about everything your cubemate posts on social media.

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Andy Bernard