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Nobody lies more than two people who are on a first date. We’re Generation Y; we don’t know how to be honest face to face because we’re too busy refreshing our phones and slapping filters on everything to make sure our lives look perfect. We’re more invested in Twitter retweets than being the moment, and being present. But that’s another lecture for another day.
First dates are like resumes. You put all of your best qualities out there and sweep all of your skeletons, and the fact that you’re actually Excel-Illiterate, into a closet and under the rug. You wash your hair (yeah ladies, I see your three-day-dirty sock bun), you make your boring job sound really fulfilling (not mentioning that all of the fluorescent lighting is slowly making you suicidal), and you present the version of yourself that’s a real life Rom Com character and leave the version that was eating 1:17 a.m. shredded cheese out of the bag at home.
The WORST part about all of this? You know that the other person is doing the Exact. Same. Thing. You know that three and half weeks in they’re going to start showing the cracks like that they’ve never bought Scrubbing Bubbles and they still have leftover free condoms from their RA in a bathroom drawer somewhere. You know that they’re fighting just as hard as you are to hide their crazy, and it’s only a matter of time until that crazy comes crawling out.
Wouldn’t it be rad if we could ask the following questions and just get it all out there? Put it all out on the table and if you still wanna get some apps with those drinks you know what you’re getting yourself into? *sigh* That’s the dream man, that’s the dream.
(Writer’s note: I know. My standards have really taken a dip. My mom reminds me at least twice a week, but thank you.)
1. How deep did you get into your internet stalking of me prior to this date?
2. What would you actually order to eat and drink if you weren’t worried about getting handsy later?
3. Have you ever purposefully gone out with someone and known you wouldn’t be able to pay your half of the bill?
4. Are there any exes out there that just HATE you? If so…why?
5. Flip it! Are there exes out there that you just HATE? And why?
6. How’s your alcohol tolerance?
7. Are you going to blackout on this date?
8. What’s the worst way you’ve ever broken up with someone?
9. What medications are you currently on?
10. And you actually take them, right? You don’t like…Russian Roulette it with that stuff just to “see what happens”?
11. Do you think you could murder someone and get away with it?
12. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to someone online?
13. Did you do it anonymously?
14. Dogs or Cats? (It’s gotta be asked.)
15. Are we going to fight about politics? And I mean fight like “Feminists vs. Fox News on Buzzfeed” not like “healthily debate.”
16. Do you regularly buy groceries or is it going to be like forging for food during 1845 in Ireland every time I want a snack?
17. Stance on Blackfish?
18. Are you way too reliant on your parents aka: how many times a day am I going to have to put up with your mom calling you?
19. Is there anything you’ve had to remove from the internet for fear of potential employers (and now: first dates) seeing it?
20. On a scale of “One of those Febreeze commercials” to “I may actually have a cleaning lady that I didn’t mention,” how clean is your bathroom right now?
21. Are you just here because you’re hoping you’ll get ass?
22. Most embarrassing thing you listen to on the reg on Spotify?
23. How crazy do you actually think I am?
24. Can I ask you about the shit I found when I internet stalked you?
25. …but like really, can I?.
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Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
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And once again his gaze settles on the bottom drawer of the dresser. The mind’s eye of the man draws up a vivid image of the brown paper bag freely given senior year, still filled with all the hope and brightly colored, ribbed latex of a wretched and wonderful youth.
But the bag is crumpled now, creased from the attention of nervous hands on lonely nights. He is scared. Scared of how each day has eroded away the last memory of a woman’s inviting smile like a once-mighty tree stripped to a bare husk by the desert winds. Scared of himself, of his own waning strength. Could he bear the weight of waste on his weary back, if that small, unobtrusive date printed on the plastic has passed? Or will he break?
With a jolt he snaps his gaze away, as his left hand quests for the familiar comfort of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and only finds a pile of empty wrappers. Reaching for his phone to check the time he finds it already in his right hand. It’s 1:30 in the morning. His hand hovers over the “send” button to a text addressed to the FWB of bygone days. One word shines up from the screen, casting a mask of light and hard shadows onto his terrified face
“‘sup?”
This would have been so much better if it was on a relevant article.
Hey, that line about leftover free condoms struck a nerve okay. Inspiration doesn’t strike much these days but when it does, it hits hard.
Touche
Pure poetry.
26. How many hours a week would you say you spend watching Netflix?
That bit about eating shredded cheese hit a little too close to home.
Came to say the same. Don’t judge, it’s been a busy week and I haven’t had time for groceries.
7a. Do you mind if I blackout on this date?
Any wily vet knows how to ask these questions indirectly, and achieve the same result.
Are you only in it for the free dinner and drinks?
Is 21 talking about butt stuff? #buttstuff2015
I’d probably marry any girl who could be this real on the spot. I feel like this is the female equivalent of Vince Vaughn’s dating rant in the first scene of Wedding Crashers, and I respect the hell out if it.
Asked my date 5 of these questions on our first date recently. Probably why she hasn’t messaged me back
I’d honestly be impressed with the transparency and forwardness if asked these questions. It’d be refreshing.