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I recently upgraded to an apartment with a full kitchen, meaning my opportunity to make delicious “home-cooked” meals has exponentially increased. The problem is that I don’t really know how to cook. I’m also extremely lazy. And poor. So that limits my dinner options.
What I’ve learned in my short time out of college is that I’m not alone. Almost nobody I know who recently graduated can cook worth a shit. It’s like no one bothered taking Home-Ec in high school, even though I’m pretty sure no high school offers that anymore. I haven’t eaten a good meal in months.
Here are the best postgrad “homemade” dinners to make when you are a shitty cook, ranked. My qualifications for “homemade” are very liberal here.
25. Hot dogs
Boiled? Great. Grilled? Great. Microwaved? Disgusting.
24. Cereal
Limited work goes into this meal. That’s all that matters.
23. Eggs
Scrambled? With some cheese on top? Can’t go wrong with that.
22. A bag of frozen chicken that is grilled all at once and eaten throughout the week
Better to get all the cooking done at once. Even though you’ll be sick of it by Wednesday.
21. PB&J
A consistent winner.
20. Pizza (frozen)
Pro: Quick and easy. Con: Very mediocre.
19. Pizza (homemade)
Pro: Delicious. Con: Time-consuming.
18. Zucchini noodles (zoodles)
My girlfriend makes me eat these and they are surprisingly OK.
17. Kraft blue-box mac and cheese eaten directly out of the pot
Nothing tastes better than “cheese ingredient.”
16. Chips and salsa
Had this for dinner last night. It’ll get the job done.
15. Spaghetti
Spaghetti with meat sauce is a delicacy in my apartment. It can feed you for a week.
14. Oatmeal
This one is only here by submission. I hate oatmeal.
13. Peanut butter directly out of the jar
Why waste the time to put it on something?
12. Nothing
For when “something” just sounds like too much.
11. Cheese quesadillas
A postgrad classic.
10. Tacos
Super easy to prepare. Occasionally delicious. Consistently OK.
9. Lunchables
Lunchables are a man-child’s best friend.
8. Soup
Soup is a meal for quitters. A delicious one, though.
7. Costco samples
If you bring them home and put them on a plate, that’s a homemade meal in my book.
6. A piece of fruit
Eat the bananas before they rot.
5. Rotisserie chicken
Cut it up and put it on a shitty homemade salad. Look at you! You’re dieting now.
4. Lunch meat without the bread
Unnecessary carbo-load.
3. Five string cheese sticks
Four just isn’t enough.
2. Bagel Bites
It’s homemade if you have to heat them up.
1. Frozen lasagna
Whatever brand you choose, it will never get better than a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna.
Have some problems with this list? Let us know in the comment section below. Or add your own to it. This list is not exhaustive, and we welcome new ideas to make our dinners just a little bit less shitty.
At what age do you have to start eating better than this? I don’t know. All I can tell you is that the correct answer is not 23..
Image via Shutterstock
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Brian loved post grad dinners
Tuna out of the can with a dash of black pepper and guilt stricken poverty. Also, a squeeze of lemon and utter shame.
Albacore or regular tuna? Ones slightly more depressing than the other
Albacore on pay days. Gotta treat yourself sometimes.
I like to splurge on pay days and buy store brand tuna helper just to get a taste of whats its like to live it up like the fat cats.
Margaritas
Or a Bloody Mary with all the extras i.e. pickle spear, cheese cube, bacon etc.
A whole loaf of french bread
Let me introduce you to a little friend of mine called the slow cooker (or crockpot, if you will.) I’ll even get you started:
1 pork shoulder
1 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper or root beer
Cook on low for 8 hours
Shred the fuck out of it like you just joined Megadeth
Add 1/2 to 1 bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s or preferred BBQ sauce
Slap that shit on burger buns with some slaw or top mac and cheese with it
2-3 chicken titties
Jar of salsa
Low and slow before you leave for work
Add a dash of regret, three job applications while your boss is at lunch, and two silently shed tears
Come home to delicious smelling kitchen
Pull the chicken like you’ll be pulling your chicken before bed
Make rice. Even you can handle this one
Put in taco sized tortillas
Instagram that shit
Or your apartment catches fire because you bought a slow cooker from a garage sale and it turned out to have faulty wiring. Now you return home after an exhausting 10 hours of grinding out excel files to a 3 alarm fire. A few months later after dealing with being homeless and losing most of your possessions and moving back in with your parents you are one day served in a lawsuit because the investigators determined you faulty slow cooker caused the fire due to your negligence….
Are you speaking from experience or……..?
To add onto this; slow cooker liners are a life saver. Cleaning up a slow cooker can be the biggest pain in the ass. With the liners, you just toss them in the trash once you’re done and give the slow cooker a quick rinse instead of cleaning it for 5-10 minutes.
I usually put leftovers in tupperware after I eat, soak the slow cooker, and clean it before bed. Liners are a great alternative, though, especially since you can end up with those awful little crispy bits on the sides that refuse to come off no matter how hard you scrub.
I still eat Mac and Cheese with cut up hot dogs.
Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Gross and delicious.
pints of Ben and Jerrys
What, do I look like I’m made of money?
Hot dog crescents, so easy.
Pop open a roll of crescents and separate them. Roll a hot dog and some shredded cheese up in each one of them, sprinkle some cheese on top, bake for like 15 min.
A solid go to of mine and my roommates when it wasn’t paycheck week.
Crescent Rolls are really so versatile! You can also put pepperoni inside of a crescent roll with a piece of string cheese cut in half and bake them. Dip them in some ranch and you’re good to go!
Hamburger Helper is always in a classic too.