22 Signs You’re Mentally Trapped in High School


I’ll admit it. I’ll even scream it from the rooftops. I’m a recent college graduate and sometimes I think I would give my left tit to go back. College was the best four years of my life thus far, and if the rest of my life is anything like the last eight months, I would give my right tit, too. But are there four years I couldn’t care less about? Yes…high school. And out of those in my graduating class, I might be the only one who went rogue and said goodbye to my “glory days” a long, long time ago. I’ve disowned and unfriended many of them purely because they indirectly insult my adulthood with the way they live their lives in a time capsule. So if you’re looking for something to gauge whether or not you should reevaluate your life, I would start here:

  1. You still try to manage your school colors into your apparel on a daily basis.
  2. You’re a regular at Friday night football games.
  3. You’re jealous of the current varsity jocks because it’s socially acceptable for them to wear their letterman jackets.
  4. You volunteer to be an “assistant coach” for your [insert sport you played] team so you can vicariously relive your glory days.
  5. The school fight song is your ringtone.
  6. Dazed and Confused gave you your life motto: “I keep getting older, they stay the same age.”
  7. You can legally purchase alcohol but you still feel the need to sneak it in places.
  8. Everyone knows they can still find you in the same parking lot every Friday and Saturday night.
  9. You’ve already graduated from college, but you still go home every weekend.
  10. When you say, “God I miss it,” you’re referring to your senior year of high school.
  11. You offer to “chaperone” prom so you can dress up and get wasted “one more time.”
  12. You’ve looked up how your state defines “statutory” and “consensual.”
  13. You still lead the chants at high school basketball games…from the student section.
  14. You still can’t look your high school sweetheart in the eyes in passing. Or their spouse.
  15. You refuse to date anyone who went to your rival high school.
  16. You plan the use of your sick days for regional and state tourneys months in advance.
  17. Though you are childless and have no younger siblings in high school, you’re a part of the Booster Club and push Spirit Cards on your coworkers.
  18. You still call your coach “Coach” even though he’s not you’re coach anymore.
  19. Your friends are wearing wedding bands; you’re still wearing your class ring.
  20. You’ve placed MVP and senior superlative plaques above your college diploma in your office.
  21. Potential places of employment can find your ACT scores on your resumé.
  22. Pom-poms, plastic homecoming footballs, and Powder Puff football pictures comprise a large portion of the décor in your room and are likely a top contributor as to why you never hear from sexcapaders again.

This list is honestly infinite and so long as there are living members of your graduating class, it will never cease to amaze you.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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