Tis the season for tidings of happiness, joy and judgement from family members. It’s time to fight back.
Forego the “sup?” text to your old flings. Just straight up show up at their house and lay it on the line in front of her husband and two kids.
Cadillac CTS rental or GTFO.
Nog in the mug at all times.
Hire the tallest guy you know to dress up like Elf on the Shelf and terrorize your nieces and nephews like some kind of fucked up holiday Slenderman.
Dress up the family dog like a reindeer and take him literally anywhere where women might be.
Carry a decent buzz into family dinner every night.
Viciously attack your hometown friends for not wanting to go out every night.
Wrap all your presents with hard copies of The Wall Street Journal.
“Oh, I’ve been a bit naughty this year” when anyone at the bar asks you what you’ve been up to.
Dress up as Santa Claus and give a 45 minute lecture on the dangers of socialism while your younger cousins play Yankee Swap.
Put a bow on your rental car and pretend like you’re giving it to your teenage brother.
Give him a pack of rubbers instead.
Replace the “lite” eggnog in the fridge with a nice bottle of full bodied traditional nog and use the empty lite bottle as a spitter.
Loudly brag about how much money you’re going to save on the Trump Tax Plan even though it’s really just like a thousand bucks a year.
Go suit shopping with your dad.
Turtlenecks all day, everyday.
Step out for a quick “work call” and rip the one-hitter.
“No, mom. I don’t think it’s sad that the person I’m most excited to see is a bartender.”
Dismiss all accusations from your parents about you being an alcoholic.
Rip off Tiger Woods’ “Pimp Daddy Santa” costume on Christmas morning.
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” as you chop up a leftover adderall you found in your old desk..