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It’s open season now. Time to stir up that smoldering trash pile that is your love life.
“Sup.”
Take her shopping in the clearance candy aisle. Tell her to go wild.
Roses are red, violets are blue, do you still have that xanny script, maybe a vyvanse or two?
“Sorry I haven’t texted since Thanksgiving. I’ve been crazy busy with work projects.”
Acknowledge that you have in fact been acting distant since you hooked up and that it’s probably just this thing with how dry the air gets this time of year.
Send a screenshot of the high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets you just got on Amazon. Doesn’t matter that they were a lightning deal.
“I mean, I’m technically single.”
“Oh yeah, I think that was my buddy playing a prank. I definitely wouldn’t FaceTime someone at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday.”
Brag about shorting 1-800-Flowers and Shari’s Berries stock.
“My year-end bonus was so big this year that I still haven’t blown it.”
“Definitely blew my tax return already, though.”
Let her know that you’re still working out and outlasted all the resolutioners. You can do 20 pushups in a row again.
Be sure to talk about how you drive a different, way nicer car than the last time they saw you.
Hire a barbershop quartet for half price. Give them your card and tell them you “might have something open up during the summer.”
Not looking for anything serious, at least until you get back from that trip to Thailand in April.
“I made an appearance at the soft opening of that new steakhouse downtown last week. We should go sometime…how’s March 14?”
“Look, I’m just not into labels.”
Tell her how great she looked in those New Year’s Eve Facebook pics. What was that shawl, mink?
Explain that the hard 7 you took to the Christmas party was just a friend.
“This whole thing has been so Corey and Topanga season two…”
Suggest you go back to your place and put on the Sisqo CD. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
“I’ll have the steak, she’ll have the salad”
“I never went to Thailand…. I went to Fort Lauderdale”
Actually being crazy busy with work projects. PGP.
Anyone see Survivor Season 6? You know Joanna on that show? In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that, indistinguishable.
That’s one to put on the tombstone.
God bless you, Brian, you beautiful angel.
March 14th… Nice.
Ooh, man, I love pie. Can’t wait.
Thong Song on repeat.
Words cannot express how glad I am that this is back.
Hey Melissa, it’s Frank Ricard.
Maybe used at least 3 of these in a state of drunken sadness last night. Ragrets.