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- Give your interviewer a dap in lieu of a handshake.
- “Now, which office is gonna be mine?”
- Call yourself a “champion” of something. Integrity, industry, patience, time management. Doesn’t matter. You’re just a well dressed, American winning machine and they need to know it.
- Open things up by asking for a signing bonus equal to one year’s salary.
- “What’s this desk? Walnut?”
- “Just so you know, this isn’t my only suit.”
- Tell them that you’ve finally narrowed down your corporate car wishlist to five.
- Ask to meet the CEO because he knows your dad.
- Refer to the current interview as “just a formality.”
- “Let’s go introduce me to the team, shall we?”
- Assume that you will be in charge of the interns.
- Ask your interviewer if they can help you get a junior membership at their country club.
- Balk and question their loyalty when they bring up the mandatory 90-day probationary period. Demand to speak to HR.
- Call yourself an equal opportunity lover.
- Bring a binder full of Herman Miller desk chairs that you’ve already picked out.
- Request vacation time for a celebratory getaway upon your hiring.
- “Are the interns off limits, sexually?”
- Ask them if there’s a bigger office somewhere else or if this is just it.
- Act disappointed when they show you the office gym. “No. This is no good. The ‘bells only go up to 45s?”
- Suggest you and your potential boss look into getting a timeshare together.
- “I’m assuming I get to pick my own secretary, yes?”.
NOTE: Some, if not all of these will get you blackballed from every company in America not named Goldman Sachs.
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