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Ain’t no party like a backyard party, cuz at a backyard party you’re not liable for damages.
1. Bring your own grill.
2. Notify the hosts that the only salad you will tolerate is potato salad.
3. “Don’t you dare try to serve me a turkey burger, Mike.”
4. Swimsuit and Hawaiian shirt. Dress for the pool sitch you want, not the pool sitch you have.
5. Diesel cans and Key Lime La Croix-vodkas only.
6. Only acceptable potluck items: baked mac and cheese, brownies and/or German potato salad.
7. “You have to be out of your goddamned mind if you think I’m gonna eat a tofu bratwurst, you sick son of a bitch.”
8. Bust out the drone and tell the hosts you’ll get them some sick footage of their house. It’s a seller’s market after all.
9. After the meal, unload an absurd amount of Roman candles from your trunk. “For the kids.”
10. Bust out a box of fresh stogies for the boys.
11. Pull the old “volunteer-to-do-the-dishes-for-like-2-minutes-then-let-someone-else-take-over” move.
12. “Bocce ball. Losers do prairie fire shots.”
13. Compliment the homeowners on their absolutely elegant tiki torch layout.
14. “Ted, I played intramural volleyball for three semesters. I’m about to make it rain out here.”
15. Notify everyone that the fireworks display will begin at 9:30 on the dot in the front yard.
16. Ignite all fuses with a half-smoked cigarette.
17. Get overly competitive in a game of wiffleball and damn near blow out your elbow.
18. If your shirt isn’t completely unbuttoned by the time the sun is setting, you’ve done something horribly wrong.
19. “I asked the guy at the fireworks stand for the biggest one they had. If anything goes wrong, I’ll pay your HOA dues for a month.”
20. Suggest a game of prison rules badminton.
21. Pass out in a plastic folding chaise lounge. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
If they have a charcoal grill, say gas is better. If they have a gas grill, say charcoal is better
I would never give anyone the idea that I have ever used or preferred a gas grill. But this is a good one.
kick the host off the grill
Came here to post this. The ultimate power move is commandeering the grill.
Grill cucking is a serious dominance asserting move, especially in a man’s very home
I did this once. Thinking this might be why they don’t like me any more. But I wasn’t about to have someone ruin my steak.
Went back to my parents home to a Memorial Day block party last year in a very liberal neighborhood. A guy down the street shows up with a pony keg of yuengling and a MAGA hat. The whole party was shook and damn if that isn’t a power move (no matter your political leanings) idk what is.
Liked “MAGA hat”
“Prison rules badminton” is the funniest thing posted on this site since March
Bocce ball is severely underrated.
Extremely competitive yet takes little to no skill. Just my kind of lawn game.
And you can hold your drink while playing.
Show up wearing a bathing suit with an aggressively short inseam
Try rugby shorts, my thighs have been loving the pair of All Blacks game shorts I picked up in NZ
I’m no professional here but I’m pretty sure women can’t resist a tan line that’s 6 inches above the knee
Sounds like you are a professional
White Nike Air Monarchs with or without grass stains or GTFO
22. “Get off the damn SHED!”
Who tf invited tofu bratwurst person?
No one. He/she is a leach on your taint. They’re just there. Nothing you can do about it.
Did anyone else hear Will Ferrell’s voice while reading this?
I actually write all of them with Phil Hartman’s voice in mind. RIP.