20 Ways To Spread Your Monday Misery


We all know the cliche “misery loves company.” Well this morning, waking up early after being worthless all weekend, I was in a shitty mood, so I decided to devise several ways to generously spread my Monday misery to others.

  1. Speak to the annoyingly polite Chick-Fil-A employee in short, abbreviated sentences and overpay for your chicken biscuit in quarters, dimes, and nickels. Slowly count your change. Check your receipt. No eye contact.
  2. Cut off a mother driving her kids to school and then drive below the speed limit. Especially if she has an honor roll bumper sticker. Every kid is on the honor roll nowadays. Big whoop.
  3. Drink the last of the office coffee and don’t brew a new pot for others.
  4. Interrupt the morning small talk mid-sentence by blurting out, “Excuse me, I have work to do.”
  5. When a coworker asks you to email them relevant information for a project they are working on, keep putting them off until 4:00pm.
  6. Turn on read receipts for iMessage and then don’t respond to any texts you’ve read until 10:30pm.
  7. When a customer asks you for an urgent favor, tell them you’ll look into it ASAP and then totally forget about it until they’re forced to remind you.
  8. Go to lunch with a coworker and leave your wallet in your desk.
  9. Tell your waitress to hurry up or she won’t get a tip.
  10. Hog the copy machine for at least 20 minutes.
  11. Email a link to a newly single coworker. No subject line. No body text. Just the link.
  12. Leave your dirty dishes piled up in the sink for your roommate to clean up.
  13. Put on your headset and talk really loud while your coworkers are on an important call.
  14. File a formal complaint against a coworker for using a red pen instead of a blue or black pen.
  15. Ask a female coworker if it’s windy today.
  16. Park as close as possible to the driver’s side door of the car next to you.
  17. Loudly whistle “I Know the Song That Gets on Everybody’s Nerves” while checking your email.
  18. Don’t hold the door for anybody.
  19. Ask several irrelevant, time consuming questions at meetings while everyone is itching to get back to work.
  20. Shoulder check someone who is carrying a pile of file folders.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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