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The performance Brazil just put in against Germany is one for the record books. The word “cringeworthy” is overused, but entirely appropriate here. There are many things that I think would be less painful to witness than the brutality we just saw on ESPN.
- David Hasselhoff’s drunken cheeseburger video.
- Security cam footage from a factory farm.
- “12 Years A Slave”
- A girl denying a guy’s proposal on the Jumbotron.
- Joe Theismann’s leg being destroyed.
- Spotting your mom swiping through the photos on your phone from across the room.
- A fat guy loading up his plate in front of you in the Golden Corral buffet.
- Hulk Hogan’s sex tape.
- The Red Wedding.
- “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”
- A reporter accidentally swearing on live TV.
- “What’s in the boooooox?!”
- Your 15-year-old self telling your best friend you have feelings for her.
- William Wallace’s actual execution.
- A drunk girl trying to stand up in the corner of the bar.
- Most interpretive dance.
- A fat kid dropping his ice cream cone on the ground.
- Your parents having sex.
- Hayden Christensen’s acting in the Star Wars prequels.
- The Mountain popping Oberyn’s head like a tick.
The Germans are no stranger to brutality…
Germany is like that asshole neighbor you invite over to your family cookout who brings his own grill and starts serving food vastly superior to yours. The entire evening you sit and listen to everyone compliment him on how good his baby back ribs turned out. With a few minutes left before everyone leaves, your mom comes up to you and says, “If it’s any consolation, your potato salad was pretty good.”
At least your BBQ didn’t suck for everyone else.
First mistake: you brought fucking potato salad
I don’t know, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was pretty damn brutal
I don’t know about you, but Hasselhoff’s cheeseburger video makes me crave Wendy’s every time.