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I’ve entered the age where people I know are getting married, and here’s the kicker, it’s because they want to get married. Gone are the days of a positive sign on an EPT, a Hail Mary, and a Court House rendezvous. Instead, I’m now subjected to engagement photos, registries, and a wedding weekend in Hoboken. It’s the worst.
When it comes to my married friends, I actually like the ones who are stuck with each other thanks to a broken condom more so than the ones who actually chose a life together. Their weddings were simple. They didn’t require me to drop thousands of dollars on presents and travel arrangements, they didn’t require me to wear a bridesmaid’s dress I will never wear again, and they didn’t require me to dance with someone’s uncle who gets “friendly” (read: touchy) when he drinks. Sure, they may be miserable, Facebook chat their respective exes with alarming frequency, and have a child they didn’t necessarily want, but they didn’t require me to do the “Cha Cha Slide.” Shotgun wedding couples, guys. Always taking one for the team.
Anyway, because most of the people I know who got prematurely knocked up are now either divorced or living with their significant other and their child who no one really wanted is a blessing, in a basement apartment in their hometown in Iowa, I’m forced to interact with the other married friends. The married friends that actually wanted to get married, and I hate it.
20 Reasons Why Happily Married People Are The Worst:
- They finish each other’s sentences. You, on the other hand, can’t even finish your own sentence after the nightly bottle of wine you now rely on.
- They’re stable. Spoiler alert: you’re not.
- You have to housesit for them. And you convince yourself that they have a nanny cam and saw you eating peanut butter out of the jar while naked.
- They dress up their dog in sweaters and Halloween costumes.
- You’re dog is envious of their dog.
- Renting? Hah. Renting is for peasants. Married couples own their homes.
- With every glance, touch, and kiss, you convince yourself more and more that you will die alone and be eaten by your gerbils.
- They are already saving for their future children’s education. You are still hoping that your gambling addiction will payoff.
- They will never again have to go on a blind date.
- Double the income.
- Even when they are at their most disgusting, inhuman, sickly state, someone has to love them. Or at least put up the façade of loving them.
- Their vacation is spent in Maui. Yours is spent in your childhood bedroom.
- They will have kids soon. And you will be expected to buy presents for said kids. Oh, and OshKosh B’Gosh no longer cuts it. These days it’s all about natural, organic, hemp, flaxseed, whateverthefuck $95 John John from J.Crew Cuts.
- They have upholstered furniture and monogrammed hand towels in the guest bathroom. You’ve been sleeping on an air mattress for three years.
- They invite you to brunch. And then judge you when you blackout. C’mon, guys. Drinking is all I have!
- Guaranteed sex. It may only be once a week, but it’s likely more than you’re getting.
- Their yearly Christmas card photo reminds you that you that no one will ever love you enough to wear a matching sweater and a reindeer antler headband.
- They can get away with being arrogant bastards. Until you’ve tricked someone into spending the rest of his/her life with you, you can’t.
- When you run into them at the grocery store, they look like they stepped out of a Brooks Brothers magazine. You look like one of the Rodents of Unusual Size from The Princess Bride.
- They’re happy. And they don’t even need Prozac.