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I’m a 29-year-old man waiting for the sun to set on my twenties. If you round up, I’m already thirty years old. With every day that goes by, I get further and further away from celebrating the birthdays where you could acceptably get rip-roaring drunk with your friends and bounce back from it like it never happened.
Those days are gone. Long gone. Here are the days of only being able to handle one night a week on the town, and trying not to eat bread for the fear of it adding to my already expanding waistline. Sure, I have more expendable income than I did in my early 20s, but the harsh realities of getting older hit you in the face day-in and day-out.
This all came to a front when I read the Ask Reddit thread, “When did your first ‘fuck me, I’m getting old’ thought occur?” this morning after I sat down at the office. The answers were all too real and can be found in blockquotes below.
When you start becoming older than professional athletes.
As someone who got starstruck by 22-year-old Jordan Spieth, I can fully identify with this. It’s weird knowing that you’re standing off your couch with an elevated heart rate cheering for a kid to make a 12-footer for birdie.
Walking past a bunch of teenagers / young adults and thinking they’re annoying as fuck.
I walked into a bike rack and was greeted by a wave of laughter from a bunch of kids holding skateboards. I used to be the kid holding a skateboard ripping on the out-of-shape dude who looked like a shell of his former self. Those days are long gone.
A coworker asked if I’d go pick up her teenaged daughter from school and bring her back to our office (I was leaving work, she had more time left). So I go pick her up. We knew of each other mostly. We’d never really hung out though. Her mom and I had worked together for years. So I turned on the radio and Hashpipe by Weezer came on. I commented on how I liked the song and she had no idea what the song was or who the band was.
I guess that’s partly getting old, and partly realizing I just have nothing in common with the youth anymore.
Two weeks ago, I was puppysitting and had to hand off the puppy to my girlfriend’s 19-year-old cousin for the day so I could run some errands. The two conversations we had (pickup and drop off) sounded like an alien speaking to a human for the first time. We knew we could communicate, but doing so just felt so distant.
I was talking to my 15-year-old cousin the other day. We were talking about things and 9/11/01 came up. She doesn’t remember it because she wasn’t even born when it happened. I was in 10th grade. That’s the first time I’ve really felt like I’m getting old, and I’m not yet 30.
On Tuesday’s podcast (which you need to subscribe to), we discussed the inside joke of Matty B. being behind the 9/11 attacks. He was born in 2003, two years after the attacks even happened.
Recently pulled a muscle in my back while bending over to tie my shoes. Hurt for days afterwards.
I coughed on an airplane a year ago and pulled a muscle in my neck. I haven’t worked out since for fear of my body exploding.
When I realized that my injuries are here to stay. You heal quick when you’re a kid…less so as you grow older. A leg injury I probably could have shrugged off in my teens has me needing a cane every now and again when the pain flares up.
As a high school skateboarder, I would hurl myself down a set of five stairs, fall on the pavement, get up, and do it again. Today, my arms are sore for two days after playing 18 holes of golf. Sure, I’m dehydrated from the sun and beer, but still.
Passed a teen on the street, turned to my SO and said “that kid needs a damn haircut.”
Just as long as it’s not the haircut from Peaky Blinders.
My sister is 9 years younger than me. I started to explain dial up and how you could either be on the phone or the computer, but not both at the same time. She piped up with “Oh! So you just used your cell phone?” I then had to tell her we used a landline…She looked like I had just told her a horror story.
In high school, I didn’t even bring my cell phone to school because it was pointless. Today, teachers are having aneurisms over the amount of Snapchats flowing through the hallways. God, I miss MSN Messenger.
2-inch long grey hair growing out of my ear.
They say it’s all downhill once you start having to trim the hair coming out of your face holes.
When I turned down the 2:00 AM shot of tequila.
“Nothing good happens after midnight” has never ringed truer than when you’re rocking a two-day hangover on a Monday in the office.
When i was talking to a college freshmen who hadn’t seen Jurassic park because she was born after it was made…
I once dated a girl younger than me who thought a Stormtrooper was a character from Halo. Yeah, it didn’t work out.
I don’t remember the first time, but I was reminded I was getting old yesterday when my fiancee commented on the fact that Columbine occurred 17 years ago yesterday.
There are kids graduating high school this year who have never known a time before the Columbine massacre.
Yeah, and those same kids are the kids who see school shooting after school shooting. Fuck, that’s morbid.
Walking home in a blizzard this past winter, I live in the city and all transportation was shut down, just had to walk 2 blocks.
The snow formed a drift on my side of the street and I was trying to make my way through it and fell flat into a 5-foot pile. Tried to get up, kept slipping, I was about 8 feet from the wall of a building.
Tried to get up again and kept slipping so I just crawled as far as I could till I could grab on to the wall. Stood up, 60 mph gust knocked me backwards, had to roll over and get back to the wall.
I thought to myself it’s 12:00 at night, no cars, no people this is how I’m going to die. Took me almost 20 minutes to make it half a block to my house, I’m 49 and that was the first time in my life that I truly felt old and helpless.
When I was 19, there was an ice storm that caused us all to crawl home from the bars because there was an inch of ice covering the entire city. Made it nearly impossible to get to first base that night.
When my idea of a night out in town is staying out at the neighborhood bar until 12 AM.
Dude, that sounds killer.
Used to skateboard. Son now wants to learn. Thought I’d show off with a nice nollie heel flip. Threw out my back, and busted my ass.
Just the idea of me even attempting to try a regular heel flip makes my dick hurt from getting nutted by the skateboard.
Found the first gray hair in my beard the other day. Freaked me out a bit.
I’ve been waiting for a touch of grey since I saw George Clooney for the first time. Maybe getting old isn’t all that bad.
For more depressing stories about getting old, head over to Ask Reddit.
[via Reddit]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
I’m more likely to fall asleep during a movie then finish it. Also, Prince just died. Sad day.
Prince can never truly die
RIP Prince.
Time to make the Mecca to lake minnetonka.
Living on Lake Minnetonka, PGPM
PGPers, You are never too old to remember the woman who carried you for nine months.
Here are some Mothers Day ideas. http://tfm619.wix.com/loveyourmom
Ice storms making it “nearly impossible” to get to first base. PGP
That’s cold.
Enthusiastically described my weekend as “Pretty good!” when someone asked, but then had to explain I spent it going for a walk and then doing some gardening while rocking a light IPA buzz. I did not leave the house at night.
About a year ago I had a very similar experience. Referred to a weekend consisting of home/auto repair, a few beers and good sleep as “sick”.
My big plans this weekend consist of power washing my house / deck and giving the dog a bath. Come Monday morning I’ll be saying, “Had a great weekend, how ’bout you?”
I will be fixing my lawn mower and probably taking a baseball nap. Great weekend indeed.
Just bought my first house and the realization that you’re weekend actually sounds like a fun weekend makes me realize how old I am!
Your, not you’re
To be honest that does sound pretty sick to me.
I work on campus of college I graduated from (only 3 years ago also–I’m 25) and my employees are all current students. Not the most mature person in the world so always felt pretty on par with them…until one of them asked a question that began with “so, in your generation…” and I died a little inside.
Holy fucking shit, “when you start becoming older than professional athletes” was my comment on Reddit. Small world. Stop creeping on me, Defries.
Wasting time commenting on Reddit AND PGP.
PGPAF.
Realized I was old at 23 when the changing weather started fucking with my joints. Bring on the days of early arthritis from sports!
When I heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers on a classic rock station coming into work today. Then again when my back flared up for twisting in my swivel chair too fast to go take a pee. Then when I looked down at my coffee and it was black with no additives. Then when my co-worker inquired about my 401K contribution percentage (minimal), and finally when I get a call from a cash life insurance company that I recently enrolled with.
Realized the other day that the youngest person (5th grade) on the middle school basketball team I coached my sophomore year of college is now a freshman in college.
When I realized the kids I’m coaching are the high school class of 2020.
Pulled a hammy two months ago. It still hasn’t healed. PGP