If you’re lucky/unfortunate enough to have a girlfriend, then you’ve likely watched several sporting events with her by now. Maybe she was already into sports, but more likely, you’ve been slowly teaching her the basics of everything so that the experience isn’t pure misery for her. That’s pretty easy for American sports, because most people have a decent baseline of knowledge about football/basketball/baseball. Soccer on the other hand is a foreign concept to most people. Hell, maybe you don’t even know what the fuck’s going on half the time, something that isn’t helped by your lady friend spouting off any number of these:
- Offsides? Where’s the yellow line?
- Is that redhead commentator Lucy Lawless’s brother or something?
- Why isn’t he calling a timeout?
- Who won last year?
- Why isn’t David Beckham playing?
- You can tie? Why are we even watching this stupid game?
- Do they call him Messy like as a funny nickname?
- How come they keep cutting to women in the crowd?
- Oh no, is he hurt?!
- Why do they keep talking about a pitch? Is that when they throw it in from the side?
- This is in Brazil? Why is everyone complaining about Qatar, then?
- What color do you think that Neymar guy’s eyes are?
- Why do the US coach and like five of the players have German accents?
- There was another Ronaldo? Was he hot too?
- Why do the USA jerseys look like they were designed for France or Russia?
(That’s actually a great fucking question.)