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Follow these recommendations closely and you will quickly become the least hated person in the office.
1. Courtesy flush when necessary. It only takes a second to assess the damage you’ve done.
2. Refill the Keurig with water. People need coffee immediately, you selfish prick.
3. If your coworker isn’t hitting her numbers, give her the number of your Adderall guy.
4. Do some research and learn how to make popcorn without burning it.
5. If you see your coworker walking toward you in the hallway, at least give him a head-nod. Maybe even mouth “hey” or smile or something.
6. If a coworker gets chewed out by the boss, see if he wants to grab a beer at Chili’s after work. Triple dippers go a long way.
7. When the guy who clearly doesn’t watch sports tries to participate in a sports conversation, humor him. Give him a courtesy “great point” or “hot take.”
8. Wash your hands, you sick bastard.
9. If your boss takes you to lunch, pull out your wallet to make it look like you’re actually considering paying. You aren’t, but your boss will never know.
10. If you’re sick, stay home. People have mortgages to worry about and they don’t need you in there spreading Bird Flu around.
11. When signing a birthday card for someone you’ve never met, write, “Can’t wait to meet you. HBD!” This person will respect your honesty, and it’ll be a good icebreaker if you ever actually meet this person.
12. Have a generic Top 40 station already set on your car radio dial in case you have to drive coworkers to lunch. It’s safe, and it eliminates that awkward station search as you try to pander to everyone’s taste.
13. If you’re stuck in nightmare traffic on your morning commute, fire out an email warning everyone to avoid the loop. Your day will suck enough as is, and you don’t need an office full of pissed off coworkers making it worse.
14. Stop reheating fish in the break room. A lot of people count on that break room to relax, and you can’t relax if it smells like 2-day-old farm-raised salmon.
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15) Say Good Morning and Goodbye to your coworkers.
As much as I hate the Buzzfeed/Elite Daily sort of posts, this is actually a solid list
If only #10 was that easy…
When being The Chilis Guy is the the better option. PGP
courtesy “great point” or “hot take.”
Being told you have a hot take is not a compliment
2. Refill the Keurig with water. People need coffee immediately, you selfish prick.
How does any office with more than three people not have a water line hooked up to their Keurig?
4. Do some research and learn how to make popcorn without burning it.
2 minutes, 45 seconds for any normal microwave.
9. If your boss takes you to lunch, pull out your wallet to make it look like you’re actually considering paying. You aren’t, but your boss will never know.
If it’s my manager who makes maybe 20-30 K more than me, maybe. Any higher up? They can fuck right off if they think I would offer to pay.
10. If you’re sick, stay home. People have mortgages to worry about and they don’t need you in there spreading Bird Flu around.
Fuck their mortgages, I have shitty bills to pay too, but yeah, don’t be a dick and come sneeze on everyone or generally be a buzzkill at work.
11. When signing a birthday card for someone you’ve never met, write, “Can’t wait to meet you. HBD!” This person will respect your honesty, and it’ll be a good icebreaker if you ever actually meet this person.
Company birthdays are hollow and forced, like your effort.
12. Have a generic Top 40 station already set on your car radio dial in case you have to drive coworkers to lunch. It’s safe, and it eliminates that awkward station search as you try to pander to everyone’s taste.
When you drive, you can listen to whatever you want. I’d rather get into a car wreck with my vaguely new South Korean car full of my coworkers than listen to Top 40 radio on my lunch break on purpose.
13. If you’re stuck in nightmare traffic on your morning commute, fire out an email warning everyone to avoid the loop. Your day will suck enough as is, and you don’t need an office full of pissed off coworkers making it worse.
If they’re heading to work after me, they were going to be late anyway.
14. Stop reheating fish in the break room. A lot of people count on that break room to relax, and you can’t relax if it smells like 2-day-old farm-raised salmon.
The only thing worse than the break room smelling like old fish is the break room having any number of your coworkers in it. And does farm-raised salmon smell worse than wild-caught? Taste may be different, but it’s goddamn fish. Fucking hipster.
You sound like you’re really climbing the corporate ladder, champ.
I’m a software engineer, so short of turning to the Dark Side (i.e. management), my ladder to climb is pretty short. Currently I’m automating reporting and analytics so we don’t have to hire as many semi-technical Excel jockeys, which makes me sad, because they tend to be my Happy Hour buddies.
My boss drives a Tesla, so the idea of him taking me out to dinner and not paying is pretty laughable. That said, I gladly bring food and drinks to company Broncos tailgates when it’s not expected. Kinda like the gift you make is better than the gift you buy bullshit mothers and girlfriends espouse.
I don’t like company Happy Birthday cards because it seems like they get made for the biggest ass-kissers in the company rather than genuinely nice people or hardworkers.
And fuck Top 40 Radio.
courtesy “great point” or “hot take.”
Being you have a hot take is not a compliment
Uhh… probably wouldn’t recommend offering up your drug dealer to a struggling coworker. Here is this list simplified, “Don’t be a dick”.
I liked D-man’s list better, and at least he had the common courtesy to offer me drugs.
DBAD is also the simplified version of the 10 commandments.
Mondays man.