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Dating apps have completely changed the game. At their best, they expand your dating pool – you no longer have to settle for the available friend of a friend or the guy at the bar you’ll probably see two more times max. With more options, you can be more selective and date people you’re actually interested in that you may have never crossed paths with in real life.
But at their worst, they’re emotionally exhausting, disappointing, and vapid as fuck. We all know the cycle of downloading, deleting, then re-downloading. Nice people turn into “playas.” And “playas” turn into “douchelords.” If we’re not getting instant gratification from a relationship, we cut-and-run to the next one, never taking the time to self-reflect on how to improve as partners and human beings. We treat people as if they’re disposable and then wonder why nothing ever lasts.
The apps encourage snap decisions based on shallow criteria, so people use a form of self-promotion that may or may not be entirely accurate. Yet, this is the way of the future, so we have to learn how to navigate these shallow waters as effectively as possible.
The goal is to present an appealing version of yourself without crossing the line towards misrepresentation or overcompensation. And a lot of guys are terrible at this. So, boys, let me help you out. These are the things in your bumble profiles that are not doing you any favors.
1. You have dead animals in multiple pictures.
I would prefer zero of these pics, but I will allow one fish since it seems like you cannot help yourselves. Apparently, dudes think dead animals are impressive trophies. If it was pre-1950 or post-apocalypse, your ability to bring 12 ducks, 72 fish, and an entire family of deer home might be evolutionarily enticing. But it’s 2017, I would prefer my meat come from a grocery store where I can pretend no animals were harmed in the making of this product.
2. You have professionally-taken pictures.
You and whoever is snapping and editing these try hard pictures are taking you VERY seriously, which means I can’t take you seriously at all.
3. Your bio includes flirtatious statements directed towards a general “you.”
I’ve seen girls be wooed by this like the guy crafted this pickup line specifically for them, and I want to tell these ladies in the nicest way possible to not let it make them feel special. This is some suave, insincere bullshit that a guy is trying to pull on the entire Bumble population. I’m not falling for it.
4. Your bio has typos.
I can already tell that your lack of attention to detail is going to make my life more difficult.
5. Your bio is the length of a novel or toooo fuckin’ clever.
You’re trying too hard. You’re either going to need constant reassurance or you’re going to be a fuckboy. Or both. Keep it simple: what you do, a couple of things you’re passionate about, where you’ve lived, and one to two witty statements. If politics or religion are v important to you, you will save a lot of time if you include this in your bio. And if you’re a dad, you’re shady as fuck if you just happen to leave that out in order to score more women. I feel bad for your kid(s).
6. You have multiple pictures where you’re surrounded by hot girls.
The logic that being surrounded by hordes of beautiful ladies makes you more desirable to prospective women is flawed. It is true that if I find out (not via Bumble) that a guy has had relationships with attractive women in the past, it garners more respect for his swag. But if your profile showcases you as “the man” who’s always in a sea of babes, this raises a red flag. Are you genuinely friends with these girls or do you just need constant noise to make you feel like a boss? I don’t have time for your Hugh Hefner bullshit.
7. You haven’t updated your style since 2008.
I’m talking Oakleys, an ill-fitting graphic tee, baggy jeans, cargo shorts, small rectangular glasses, some lame ass shoewear, and spiky hair. I already know that with 99% of guys that I date, I’m going to have to step in at some point as their fashion guide and expert. You might hate me at first, but just let me upgrade you.
However, there are some cases that just require too much rewiring, and guys love to be resistant towards my clearly superior taste. It’s not that I want you to be so hip that it’s douchie, I just need some awareness that 10 years have passed since that wardrobe was cool. GQ is a good place to start for some flyboy inspiration. If you truly don’t give a fuck about style, pull a Steve Jobs, and find a uniform. You can’t go wrong with basic tees, straight leg jeans, and some chukka boots. Come back to me in a month. I guarantee your dating life will have improved.
8. You’re forcing me to Sherlock Holmes my way around your pictures to piece together which person is you.
Not only is it time-consuming, but I’m usually disappointed by the answer. Help a girl out by being the only person in your main picture.
9. Your best picture makes me want to swipe right, but your significantly different worst picture makes me want to say, “wait, wut.”
Such a roll of the dice. I have learned to expect the reality to be closer to the worst, so I use that one to decide if I’m into it. Guys, the only way to enter into a good relationship is by having the confidence to represent yourself honestly. Better for people to be happily surprised than unhappily surprised.
10. You’re already bragging or saying something condescending.
You’re a douchebag, no questions about it, and I’m too outspoken of a woman for your fragile ego to handle. I will call your ass out, and you won’t respond well. If you want to get away with being condescending, start writing for a media company so that your voice automatically becomes the one of reason.
11. You fail to list a job or your education.
I’m assuming that you’re unemployed, and that, not only will I end up paying for your shit, I’ll also be driving your no-car-ass around town. I don’t want no scrubs.
12. You’re hiding something, and I can’t figure out what you actually look like.
E.g. you’re never smiling with teeth, you’re always wearing a hat, you’re always wearing sunglasses. Look, bud, I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here, but you’re up to something, and I’m going to find out anyway on a first date. The confidence to own your shit and embrace your insecurities will serve you better than reeling people in and startling them later ever will.
13. You have one picture.
You are a serial killer.
14. All of your pictures are selfies.
You are a serial killer.
So, look, I’m not trying to water your profile down to some generic, white bread bullshit. I’m just trying to help you smooth out some of those rough edges. And if you don’t agree, fine. Your hot mess profile may actually be the best representation of who you are, and maybe I shouldn’t help you become more generally desirable.
What I really need to know is: did I leave anything off the list? And what are the things that ladies are doing wrong? I was on Tinder at one time looking for a lady bae, but I found out within a few weeks that my sexuality is not as fluid as I would prefer it to be, so I’m not sure what they’re up to on the apps these days. Which is disappointing. Because they’re a much better dating experience. .