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Moving is hell. It doesn’t matter if you’re moving into your dream home; it’s still a huge pain in the ass. You tell yourself it won’t be that bad, that you don’t have that much stuff, but you’re not fooling anyone. You own an absurd amount of unnecessary shit, and that terrible fact is never more undeniable than when you’re boxing it up in preparation for a move. By the time it’s all over, you’re wondering if maybe giving up your worldly possessions and living like a hermit, or St. Francis of Assisi, would’ve been a better route.
Here are 10 of the worst things about moving:
1. It is impossible to decide what to throw away.
You didn’t know this about yourself, but you’re a fucking hoarder. Your new apartment complex has valet trash service, and provides you with a wastebasket, but you still won’t throw away your grimy, old trashcan. The La-Z-Boy you inherited from your parents during college, which has since been covered in beer and semen, has no business being in your adult dwelling, but you refuse to let it go. Even worse, that Scarface poster from your freshman dorm is still on your bedroom wall.
Throw that shit away and grow up, Peter Pan.
2. Moving companies charge an arm and a leg.
They gave you an estimate of $500? Prepare to double that figure. All it takes is one item, like a hanging mirror, that you forgot to mention over the phone, and those con artists will be tacking on extra charges and fees all over the damn place. I’ve actually had one of these weasels laugh in my face as he handed me the bill, like it was a hilarious joke. My bank account didn’t think it was funny.
“I don’t have this 3-pound lamp on my manifest. That’ll be an additional $3,200.”
3. You end up with scratches and bruises all over your body.
When you’re moving, the coordination you would normally possess exits your body faster than a Chipotle burrito. You’re running into corners, dropping boxes on your feet, hitting your head on ceiling fans, cutting yourself with clothing hangers, and rolling down staircases. For weeks, you’ll look like you fell from the top of a mountain during a wrestling match with a grizzly bear. Everyone at work will call you a lummox behind your back.
4. Some furniture actively fights back as you’re attempting to move it.
If you own a bunch of terribly assembled furniture from IKEA, you’re in for a really special treat. The Swedes put a hex on every single item they sell in that hellacious store. That demon-possessed coffee table does not want to be moved, and it will fight back. You’ll be 10-feet out the door when bolts and screws start popping off like acorns from an oak tree that has just been struck by lightning. Do yourself a favor: buy an axe, some lighter fluid, and matches. Then hack everything from IKEA to pieces, douse it, and set it on fucking fire.
5. Finding mementos from old relationships will make you feel like a moron.
You’re bound to come across some weird shit. Maybe it’s a birthday card from an ex-girlfriend. It says how much she loves you, and she calls you her “little shnookums” — all that gooey mess. At the time, you ate that nonsense up. Looking back, you’re ashamed. Moron.
The safe play is to never save anything, ever. Open the birthday card, read it, and throw it away. Exit the movie theatre, and ditch the ticket stub. What’re you doing? Making fucking a scrapbook? If it’s important enough to you, you’ll remember it with your brain. You don’t need evidence to remind you of every single seemingly important event in your life.
6. Realizing how little you accomplished in the time you lived there.
How long was this lease? 2 years? Holy shit. You have literally devolved since moving in. That’s okay, though. Now you have a fresh start. You’ll do things right this time. Focus on work and get that promotion. Use that gym membership and chisel out a 6-pack. Learn to speak Mandarin. Just kidding. None of that is going to happen.
With every move comes a period of self-evaluation. Before you step out that door for the last time, you take a look back at the grand plans you had for your life when you moved in. If you’re doing things right, you’ll exit with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Otherwise it’s just another reminder that you need to get your shit together and stop drinking so much.
7. Attempting to hang things, or mount a TV.
Once you have all your furniture situated, it’s time to hang things on the walls. It seems simple enough. All you need is a hammer, a few nails, maybe some hanging wire. You have a college degree, so how hard could mounting your 55’’ flat screen really be? I’ll tell you: really fucking hard.
You’ll end up with extra holes, dents, and paint chips all over your apartment, and the surviving members of the WWII generation will hang their heads in shame when you finally give up and hire a recovering meth addict to hang/mount your shit.
8. You didn’t recognize the glaring design flaws in your new place.
You didn’t notice any of this when you were picking out your new place, but there are some annoying little issues. Maybe the bathroom door doesn’t shut all the way. Maybe there isn’t enough closet space. Maybe there’s a weird smell coming from your neighbor’s place. Whatever it is, something will come up, and it will piss you off.
9. It is really, really hot outside.
If you’ve made the terrible mistake of moving during the summertime in a place where the temperature rises above 90 degrees, all of the other awful things about moving are multiplied by three. Have fun sweating your balls off, chugging Gatorade in an attempt to stay hydrated, and inevitably succumbing to heat stroke.
10. The anxiety that comes with a change in surroundings.
Whether you’re a naturally anxious person or not, you’re heading out of your comfort zone and into unfamiliar waters. It’s going to take some time for you to become acclimated in your new home, and really get settled in. In the meantime, your anxiety levels are a little bit higher. But don’t worry, those weird noises you hear at night are definitely not coming from a bloodthirsty serial killer waiting to pounce on you the second you close your eyes. It’s all in your head. He definitely doesn’t have a terrifying face covered in scars, an eye patch, and an 8-inch knife with a rusty blade, and he probably doesn’t want to use your skin as a blanket.
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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Or you could be like me and never leave the Compound.
Good call, Springer.
Just finished moving into a new place. All of these are very true. I also thought there was a serial killer breaking into my place every 5 minutes at night for the entire first week after moving in.
I pictured Bobbum Man for #10.
My first move in the Army was done by myself. It wasn’t all that hard because I didn’t own anything. The second move, however, was much different. All of the above happened, and some. My request for the gov to move me “slipped through the cracks” at the transportation office, so me and my wife (who just gave birth two week before) had to pack all our shit and move. It was like a monkey fucking a football. This last time, the gov got their shit together and moved me. It was glorious. I hate to say it, but if you’re married or living with your girlfriend/boyfriend, screw pride and pay to have someone move you. It will be less headaches and advil in the long run.
Thats like showing up in Alaska and finding out two days later that all your stuff is in North Carolina. #PCSP.
Thank God I got a job with a company that paid to re-locate me. It blew my mind when they drove my car out of the moving truck.