10 Lessons You’ll Learn In A Polar Vortex


Picture this: It’s senior year, you are taking 16 credits of bullshit classes to fulfill the requirements, and it’s the end of the fall semester. Suddenly, a snow storm hits! Coldest weather in 15 years! BOOM. Class? Yeah right. Time to sleep in till your roommate throws something at you and lounge in your coziest sweats all day. Classes: cancelled or optional. Donezo.

Snow days still happen when you’re in Adult World, right? WRONG. Welcome to postgrad world where snow and negative temps don’t change a thing.

1. Forget the fashion contests.

Sorry kiddos, stylish hair and clothes will have to take a back seat when it’s negative 12 outside. Everyone will show up to work wearing 17 layers, 6 pairs of socks and 3 hats. You’re better off rocking the hobo chic. Let it happen.

2. Invest in a space heater.

Just do it. Thank me later.

3. Don’t call in sick.

Odds are, everyone you work with had this idea traipse through their brain the minute the woke up this morning. Your boss isn’t stupid. Save the cop-out for another day.

4. Actually sick? Suck it up.

May as well buy yourself a big ol’ bottle of DayQuil, a shot glass, and throw it back. You’re in for a long day.

5. Eliminate any and all reasons to go outside.

Just don’t leave your desk and you’ll stay warmer, I promise.

6. You can’t skip work. No matter what rationale you use.

Unfortunately for us, work is nothing like college. You can’t skip whenever you feel like it. You skip, you’re fired.

7. Your boss doesn’t care how cold it is outside.

Unless you work outdoors, then you can ignore this whole thing and disregard my uptown problems.

8. Repeatedly checking The Weather Channel is useless.

In school, it was always exciting to do this. Is it going to snow more? Will classes be cancelled the whole week? No. Because you’re an “adult” and adults don’t get snow days. Boo.

9. Don’t look out the window.

It’ll just make you think of the better days when cold and snow meant sleeping in.

10. Self-medicate after hours.

After eight consecutive hours of hating your life in front of a computer abyss, drink a nice hot cup of coffee. With Baileys. Hold the coffee.

Let’s face it, you’re in an office vortex inside a polar vortex inside an adult real-world vortex. It’s Vortexception. Good luck, full-timers. Stay warm.

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I measure success by the amount of post-its I have on my desk. I'm very successful.

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