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A couple of weekends ago, I completed a life-long dream of mine. After visiting my childhood home (and I guess my parents who still live there and I love, blah blah), I found my old, original Gameboy and Pokémon Blue. After scrounging up four AA batteries like I was hunting for bullets in the zombie apocalypse, I was able to coax this ancient handheld gaming console to life. Then, after almost seven hours of game theory contemplation, tactical planning, and Mountain Dew (did you know they have a lemon-lime flavor now?), I accomplished something that I had only dreamed about when I first booted up the game in 1999: I defeated the Elite Four and became champion of the Pokémon League.
*Allows 30-second break for cheers, applause, congratulations, and confessions of love and admiration from the female readers*
Pokémon has been a part of my life, nay the collective cultural lexicon, for almost 20 years. No matter how much of a cool kid you may profess to be, everyone knows Pokémon. Seriously, don’t lie to yourself, you know what this is:
It’s easy to understand why. It’s a simple, turn-based combat game, with basic type counters similar to rock-paper-scissors. The Pokémon universe is also wonderfully developed, with different types of characters, regions, and versions of everyday places and things like hospitals and casinos. But, now that I am a full-grown adult, the magic of that universe is diminished a bit by some pretty obvious, odd conundrums that one ponders how the Pokémon universe works. For instance:
1. Why are ten-year-olds allowed to roam the wilderness without supervision?
This just seems like a massive liability suit the government of Kanto is going to have on its hands. These are fourth graders, left to run through woods, caves, raging rivers, abandoned houses, and casinos all unattended. You can’t tell me that a kid never tripped over a Geodude, fell down a crevasse, and spent the rest of his days trapped as he implored his level 9 Spearow to fly him to the Pokécenter. Or maybe there was some sort of 127 Hours scenario involving his faithful Nidorina with tears in her eyes, and him screaming for her to use Cut. Either way, the amount of negligent parents in this universe is amazing. They all probably have some huge swingers party once their kids turn ten and dip out. Speaking of which…
2. Why do people trust that a ten-year-old can control a monster it just met?
This is unquestionably the most confusing aspect of these games. You’re a young man, whose voice has never even cracked, and you just caught an Onix, a 30-foot rock snake weighing over 400 pounds. You probably just got done beating it to within an inch of its life with your Horsea, a seahorse that can somehow survive out of the water, and you’re going to trust that the second you summon it from the tiny container you’ve kept it trapped in, it’s not going to immediately kill you? I mean, you lock my friend’s dog in the closet for a minute, and it comes charging out like it’s been in captivity for thirty years.
In the anime, it seems like every time Ash catches a Pokémon it immediately becomes his best buddy, and that’s how it works for all pocket monsters. But let’s be real, at one point or another there was a mom weeping at a funeral, ruminating about how foolish her son was for thinking he could contain a giant water dragon that breathes fire. Oh wait, she’s probably still at the orgy with all the other ignorant parents, nevermind.
3. Can Pokémon kill people?
This is the question that could open up a horrible, dark underbelly of the Pokémon world: What is to stop Pokémon from killing people? Like, in this world, they’re basically animals. And if I trained a lion to be my pet, I’m fairly sure there’s a greater than zero chance it could and would turn on me and rip my throat out. Why am I so sure an Arbok wouldn’t do the same? Is there some sort of peace treaty between the humans and these semi-sentient beasts?
Because if there is nothing to stop Pokémon from committing acts of murder, beyond the obvious murder rampages on their own, wild accord, that also opens up the possibility of Pokémon being used for murder. For instance, the mafia (Team Rocket) exists in the Pokémon world. Who’s to say they haven’t ever said, “That’s a nice house you got there, be a shame if my Charizard went on a rampage around it.” I mean, the police in this world have been proved to be largely incompetent in the anime (they’re all named Officer Jenny, and I wouldn’t trust any of them to solve the “mystery” in an episode of Blue’s Clues). Do we really think that they’re going to be able to tell that the guy who appears to have been in a car accident was actually crushed by a Graveller?
4. What the hell is Team Rocket’s goal?
In the games, Team Rocket has some plan to steal important technology (the Silph Scope, Master Ball etc.) for… I don’t know what reasons? Like, there does seem to be some sort of a mafia-style organizational structure to Team Rocket, and the boss Giovanni seems to be doing okay for himself. But how much money is there really to be made in stealing one Silph Scope? Do they have scientists to reverse engineer these marvels to make themselves oodles of money? They seem to have a thriving gambling business, that’s certainly more successful than their villainous empire, considering they get thwarted quite easily by a ten-year-old.
By contrast, in the anime, Team Rocket seems largely focused on stealing powerful Pokémon. This is, somehow, even dumber than their nefarious plot in the games. Because there are literally free Pokémon everywhere. Like seriously, why are you trying to steal one kid’s Pikachu? Because it shocked you really hard one time? There are Pokémon all over the place. Walk into Mt. Moon, it’s packed with fucking Zubats. Just catch them and train them up. And why do they even need powerful Pokémon? Maybe it’s because of this next question.
5. Why would Team Rocket agree to sequential battles with barely trained Pokémon and then give up after each of them lost to a child?
You’re an evil organization, right? Just fucking throw all your Pokémon out at once and beat his Pikachu’s ass! What, it’s against the Pokémon League regulations? YOU’RE EVIL! Do you really care if you’re gonna lose your goddamn Volcanobadge?
6. Also, do guns not exist in this world?
I’m just saying, if Team Rocket uses AK-47 bullets against most any Pokémon or their trainer, that shit is always Super Effective.
7. How are Pokémon not constantly on the brink of death?
Even if you take away the fact that humans pit Pokémon against each other in vicious combat, look at all the things humans make Pokémon do. They can fly you to another city, light up pitch black caves, dig tunnels into the earth, cut down monstrous trees, and carry you across oceans on their backs. And that’s not just the legendary birds or giant sea monster, you can literally teach a fucking bat to pick you up and fly you god only knows how many miles. Or force a goldfish to swim you across the sea. How did we not kill all the Pokémon doing this?
8. Why is there any technology in this world?
Imagine if the cavemen of the prehistoric era never had to create fire, because they managed to befriend some little fire-breathing lizards squeaking “Charmander, char”? Or if the earliest farmers could eat the berries and leaves grown off an Oddish, negating any need to develop agriculture? Would gunpowder ever be necessary when you can teach a Pokémon to self-destruct, destroying a fleet of ships? Oh, well that’s a dumb question because there wouldn’t be any ships, just a bunch of people floating across the sea on their Dewgongs.
The point is, this is a universe where people can rely entirely on animals to replicate our most advanced scientific breakthroughs. Yet, the world still looks very much like ours. You can’t tell me that, if such creatures existed in reality, our world wouldn’t be significantly more advanced. Then again, they do have universal healthcare, the ability to trap those creatures in tiny balls, heal problems instantaneously, teleport to different locations, create invisible barriers, and digitally transfer matter. Damn, we missed out.
9. Why are there massive cities where nobody lives?
Huge cities like Saffron and Cerulean are filled with shops, gyms, and corporate offices, and like four houses. Is there no urban sprawl in Kanto? Or have the wilds been entirely claimed by the savage beasts that small children can instantly command? In either case, it makes no sense to have these gigantic cities with no residential areas, unless the implication is that these people sleep at their place of work or wherever you happen to encounter them. Just imagine Nurse Joy ducking under the counter at the Pokécenter to take a nap like George Costanza.
Semi-related: how are you allowed to just walk into every house you can see, and people will either give you free shit or you can just take whatever crap you find lying around? That’s some shit that wouldn’t even fly in Communist Cuba, let alone America. Given that we don’t ever hear about a Poké-President or elections, I choose to believe that Kanto is a fascist state, placating its citizens with bread and circuses in the form of Pokémon battles.
10. Is your rival the good guy?
Think about it. In the game, you are a kid who has to get rescued by your neighbor, a brilliant Pokémon researcher, who gives you a Pokémon all your own out of pity because he suspects you’ll wander into the wild and somehow get mauled by a Rattata. You walk around, beating up other kids’ pets and taking their money, as well as stealing whatever shit you can get your grubby little hands on. At every turn you get cool shit handed to you, like a ticket aboard a luxury cruise ship, a million dollar bike (because it’s easier to buy an actual block of gold in these games than a mountain bike), or the only Master Ball in existence.
Meanwhile, your rival is a kid so ignored by his own grandfather that he doesn’t even remember his name. That same grandfather does not even trust him to complete simple tasks on his own and pawns them off on the neighbor kid. We don’t even know if he has parents because we never hear about them, but he’s also sent off on his own. He is constantly being beaten by his rival, but despite his hard work he one day beats the Elite Four and becomes Pokémon champion… for all of three minutes. When his asshole rival comes out of nowhere, beats him like always, and then his grandfather shows up to let him know that he was such a disappointment.
Is it so far-fetched to believe that we are the bad guy in this story? Well, actually, your rival is always saying “smell ya later” to everyone including his grandpa. So nevermind, fuck him..
Image via Myimagine / Shutterstock.com
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Professor Oak definitely sent you out into the world to catch dangerous beasts with magic fishing bobbers because he’s trying to get you out of the picture while he pipes your mom
I’m also all in on the idea of introducing firearms to the Pokémon universe, I’d love to hunt Pidgeot from a layout blind or go pack hunting for Nidoking in the mountains of the back country.
Username checks out.
Brock was the best character in the TV show. He just traveled the world trying to hook up with every Nurse Joy.
This is true. Dude was on a conquest.
I read this as “Duda was on a conquest”. Now I’m just envisioning Engaging in the Chase: Giving the Nurse Some Joy”
Article coming Tuesday 100%
The first Pokemon movie was a masterpiece
As a man I will openly admit that I cried like a baby the first time I saw the original Pokemon movie.
Traded the special card I got for football cards… I’m not saying this to be cool, just to say I was uncool in several ways.
Can you imagine an open world pokemon game? Like Skyrim, but instead of slaying dragons, you’re capturing pokemon. I would play the shit out of that.
Have you heard of Pokemon Go? Similar concept.
But not really…
I’ve never played pokemon games and thought that’s literally what they were. Now I am confused and disappointed.
how much adderall did you consume before writing this masterpiece?
There is a fan theory that there was a giant war before the game. Explains why’s there are no adults, only old people and kids.
Also the electric gym leader says something about electric Pokémon saving his life during the war
Sinnoh was a rough deployment. Lost a lot of good Raichu’s in that bush.
nice far-fetched useage
One could say it was super effective
You Marowak’d that out of the park
It was Onixpectedly humorous
I knew a pun chain would break out eeveentually
Ditto.
Nothing like the thrill of being in heated battle with a legendary bird and then capturing it, some fun memories
This article fully convinced me we need a dark and gritty live action Christopher Nolan reboot. A lot like the hyper violent power rangers short film that went viral a little while back.
Lemon- lime flavored mountain dew is gross. Trust me I know.
Name checks out