Alright, folks, it’s time we had a talk. Everyone I know between the ages of 22 and 32 has an obsession that has spiraled out of control. I was willing to let it go when it was only mentioned occasionally, but now it’s all they can talk about, it’s all they dream about, and they’re willing to spend tons and tons of excess money continuing this habit. No, I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. Even those addictions would be better than the one I’ve been forced to address here. The obsession I’m talking about is your Chipotle addiction. It needs to end, and it needs to end now.
The cold, hard truth is that there’s nothing special about Chipotle. At the end of the day, it’s overpriced, salty fast food. You may think you’re so much better than everyone in the office who opted for Wendy’s or Arby’s, but really, you’re just an idiot who paid a 2000% markup to buy pretentious fast food. Their marketing team has convinced you that you’re spending your money wisely on a lunch that’s healthy and worth the money. This is a lie, and you all bought into it, $10 at a time (plus extra for guac).
Let’s say you’ve got a crisp $10 bill in your wallet (you big spender, you) and you’re deciding whether you should blow it on a lunch or save it for happy hour later. If you budget your money and try to spend wisely, you’ll think about how you want to blow these ten big ones. I don’t mind spending the cash on lunch, but only if it’s going to be delicious, it’s better than something I could easily make myself, or I couldn’t get the same thing somewhere else for half the price. Sadly, Chipotle meets none of these conditions. Chipotle, unfortunately, is not delicious. You believe this lie because, as something marketed as “health food” it has some semblance of flavor. This “flavor” that you’re tasting is pure salt, and if you were to make yourself a meal of meat, rice, beans, and sauce, you’d be looking at around 300-400 calories, not the 1,000 calories in a Chipotle meal. 1,000 calories and a day’s worth of sodium that can be consumed in under five minutes is not healthy by any definition of the word, and you’ve just bought into the lie that Chipotle’s marketing team has so cleverly constructed for you. Even Taco Bell’s monster Crunchwraps only come in at around 600 calories each, and, from a holistic viewpoint, are healthier for you than bingeing on all of Chipotle’s sodium-filled calories. Additionally, they cost about 1/3 of the price of a Chipotle entree, so not only are you ignorant about the nutritional qualities of your food, but you’re an idiot that threw money away to look pretentious for no reason.
You might whine and complain that, although you’re basically inhaling an entire bottle of salt and nearly a day’s worth of calories in one meal, Chipotle uses healthier ingredients and is therefore somehow better for you. Again, this is a lie, and you sound stupid. Yes, Chipotle uses organic and non-GMO ingredients. Please show me any scientific study that either of those things actually has a significant impact on your health and I’ll listen, but for now, we’re just going to assume that you have no idea what you’re talking about and enjoy paying an extra $5 a meal because it’s labeled with a word you barely understand the meaning of.
And can we please talk about the most blatant, glaring flaw in your obsession? Chipotle doesn’t even have queso. If you really just want Mexican, or some sort of American food pretending to be Mexican by wrapping itself up in a tortilla, at least do yourself a favor and get good food. Now that we’ve established that you’re not doing your health any favors by getting Chipotle, you should probably get some Mexican food that will actually taste good. Any establishment that bypasses queso con chorizo for mushed up green vegetables (read: guac) is completely untrustworthy in my book. Why would you even consider getting Mexican food if you can’t drown your sorrows with a large bowl of warm, melty cheese? I’m sorry, Chipotle, but you’re just not cutting it.
Your Chipotle obsession is ridiculous and it needs to stop now. Stop fueling this monster that has brainwashed the millenials of our society, do yourself a favor, and bring your lunch to work if you really want to lose three pounds. Otherwise, go grab some real Mexican at the local place down the road that has queso con chorizo that’s so good you might actually kill someone for it. But please, whatever you do, just stop being so obsessed with Chipotle, because it’s not worth it. .
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