What My Brutally Honest Dating Profile Would Look Like

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Dating profiles are bullshit, and I don’t mean that in the “I’m too good for online dating” sense. They’re literally 90 percent bullshit. We make up a bunch of crap about ourselves so strangers on the Internet will want to go on dates with us and/or bone us. I definitely have my salary inflated by $20K and there are a bunch of vaguely true but highly exaggerated statements on my actual profile. Is it a dick move? Probably. Am I planning on marrying a girl I met on the Internet? Doubtful, so I’m cool with it, at least until the “Wedding Crashers”-style confession I make in front of her family and friends. I’ll do what I always do and play through it, though. I definitely think faking amnesia would be the move there.

Getting back to the point, you just don’t see brutally honest dating profiles. That said, I made one about myself and the results are below. If anyone actually feels compelled to date me after reading what follows, more power to you–I sure as hell wouldn’t date me after reading it. I’ll let the profile do all the talking, though. I think the key to this thing is honesty. Real, brutal, ugly honesty.

Brutal Profile 1

Brutal Profile 2

Brutal Profile 3

Brutal Profile 4

See? It isn’t so hard to be hypercritical on a semi-public dating profile in an effort to attract strangers. I’m going to leave it up and see how it does for a few weeks, then softly cry myself to sleep every night when it does better than my “real” one, with all the normal dating site bullshit.

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