If you missed it, read Part One.
I am very good at executing a select number of things. I have mastered making a Thanksgiving turkey, I can cry on command (future boyfriends beware), and I memorize movies like Rain Man. But the number one thing I am a damn expert on is reading between the lines when it comes to girls.
I like to make fun of anyone and everyone. But the number one person I make fun of is me. So while it may seem like I’m coming for my gender, rest assured that I am lumping myself right, smack dab in there with the rest of you bitches.
So, here we go.
She Says: “It’s whatever.”
She Means: “I want to seem super chill about this, but I’m absolutely obsessing over it right now. It is 100 percent anything BUT whatever.”
She Says: “I can’t decide if he’s cute, do you think he’s cute?”
She Means: “I’m totally a smitten kitten, but I’m worried he’s not as hot as the guy who just dumped me. I need to make sure you aren’t going to sex-shame me at brunch this weekend if I let him go down on me tonight.”
She Says: “I don’t know when I last ate… are you hungry?”
She Means: “I haven’t heard a word you’ve said in the last twenty minutes because I’ve been picturing you turning into a human burger and then devouring you. I’m so hungry, you’d better say you’re hungry. PLEASE SAY YOU’RE HUNGRY.”
She Says: “I’m totes PMSing right now.”
She means: “I’m not sure if I am, but I just either: A) did something crazy and out of character and I’m embarrassed, B) ate something ridiculously indulgent and I’m feeling guilty about it, or C) cried at a commercial involving a dog and it’s owner for no reason. I need to blame my behavior on something so as not to seem like a total basket case.”
She Says: “Might want to stay in tonight if that’s cool with you.”
She Means: “I am absolutely eight episodes deep into Pretty Little Liars and not moving. I’ve eaten approximately two thirds of a Trader Joe’s barbecue chicken pizza and have a food baby so big I have named it Emma. There aren’t enough vodka-sodas in the world to make me squeeze into a push-up bra and meet you out tonight. Not happening. Nope.”
She Says: “I’m thinking about going vegan.”
She Means: “Please tell me how skinny I look.”
She Says: “I don’t know, he seems a little clingy…”
She Means: “He likes me more than I like him, and it’s legitimately freaking me out. I haven’t gotten to bitch at my best friend about how he doesn’t text me back. What do I do?! Am I being Punk’d? I’m being Punk’d.”
She Says: “Oh, we didn’t date. We didn’t even do anything.”
She Means: “We did everything, and on the first date too, but my friends didn’t like him, or I considered him to be a 6 to my 8, so I’ll never admit it. Until I get drunk later and Katie pulls it out of me in the bathroom.”
She Says: “You should have a night with the guys.”
She Means: “You should have a night with the guys so I have a night to shave my big toe, belt out Katy Perry songs at the top of my lungs, eat frosting with a spoon, and squeeze all of the junk out of my pores without worrying about you seeing me. And also so I can stalk your girl friends on social media and decide which one I hate the most.”
She Says: “What did you just say?”
She Means: “Duck and cover because I’m about to ruin your life.” .
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