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We Have Kim Jong-un’s Leaked Emails

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In the unlikely event that North Korea actually does have a functioning email service, please note that these are completely not true and 100 percent fabricated.

Our in-house tech squad has been working tirelessly for the past 72 hours to crack North Korea’s highly encrypted email system to retrieve the highly sensitive and confidential emails of the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. The following information is exclusive.

July 11, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: staff@dprk.gov
Subject: All hands meeting, Monday 6 a.m.

All,

Sony Pictures is planning to release a movie about me. I very much enjoyed “Think Like A Man Too” and “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” and if it is anything like those, I believe it will be a wonderful depiction of everyone’s favorite round mound of totalitarianism, the Supreme Leader. We will be discussing possible plot outlines and a PR campaign geared toward the positive representation of our great republic.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

July 29, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: advisors@dprk.gov
Subject: King of Nigeria

All,

I have been receiving emails from the deposed King of Nigeria. He is asking for foreign aid from the DPRK. I believe this is a great opportunity for us to reach out and gain a vital ally in our war against American swine. The honorable Olatunji Onobanjo is in need of $10 million to fund his return to his proper claim of the throne. I will loop in the finance team and get him his aid immediately.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

August 30, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: guards@dprk.gov
Subject: Fantasy draft

All,

I will be stopping by the Kaechon Prison later this afternoon for our annual fantasy prisoner draft. Our rules from last year will carry over. It will be a snake draft, where I have the first and last pick of each round. I am allowed to steal any pick I wish as I so choose. After last year’s triumph, our price will also be staying the same. The person with the last place team will be required to serve as Dennis Rodman’s butler for 18 months. We will be meeting in the main office. Hopefully the projector is working by now.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

October 20, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: staff@dprk.gov
Subject: Sony Pictures film

I have acquired the trailer of the Sony Pictures film concerning your Supreme Leader. The American cinema elite have gone too far. I was optimistic when I heard it was to star Seth Rogen and James Franco. I very much enjoyed “The Guilt Trip” (please schedule a visit for Barbra Streisand) and “127 Hours.” As someone who has ordered the severing of many human arms, the accuracy of that film was something that I very much appreciated. However, this film titled “Interview” is nothing short of an abomination and a blatant act of war by America and the funny man Rogen. I have dispatched our tech team to acquire the film in full and will keep you updated on the situation. We must act proportionately and rationally.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

November 1, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: researchdev@dprk.gove
Subject: Nukes

Please make a missile that can reach America. I’ve been asking for this ever since I took over. We can’t lie about the supremacy of our military tech for much longer. No more pictures of me pretending to look at stuff. Get this shit done. I shouldn’t have to ask twice.

November 30, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: staff@dprk.gov
Subject: Breach

We have successfully hacked into Sony Pictures’ database. I have been reading through many emails this afternoon. My favorites so far are from Shia LaBeouf and Channing Tatum. These Americans can be so funny. They remind me of the great Lee Choon Hong. Since I am the only North Korean allowed to laugh, only I will know how truly amusing these emails are. We are also in the process of acquiring the full film. After we claim technological superiority over America, they will know our full wrath.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

December 10, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: advisors@dprk.gov
Subject: PANIC

So it wasn’t us who hacked into the Sony Pictures database. It was really just third party hackers from China who were really curious if Andrew Garfield is going to be in a third “Amazing Spider-Man” movie. Please pretend that it was us though by neither confirming nor denying this. False fear is still fear and we’ve gotten pretty good at that.

Also, reminder that mandatory all hands meetings every Monday at 6 a.m. will begin January 1.

Regards,

Supreme Leader

December 18, 2014

From: SupremeLeader10kYrs@dprk.gov
To: staff@dprk.gov
Subject: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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