John Kandel is the owner of Bad Horse Pizza, an upscale pizza restaurant in Harlem, and has apparently irritated mommies and daddies in the area by not allowing parties of multiple children to be served in the establishment; an exact number is not given, a mistake on Kandel’s part for sure. Kandel has stated that the policy is strictly for economic reasons, but I have a hunch that this is just a business owner being as judicious as possible. He said, “Over time I’ve had to tailor what I do because some people let their kids treat my store really disrespectfully by standing on stuff, pulling on curtains and wiping bloody noses with my napkins.”
Finally. Someone somewhere out there, has some balls to shove the fact back into the faces of people with youngsters: small children actually shit on the dining experiences of the rest of the patrons.
Of course, there was a fair amount of outrage by parents and standard Internet commenters. Some have gone as far as to say that the owner is discriminatory of small children a la Jim Crow. Last I checked, three-year-old brats aren’t exactly full-fledged adults, and most are incapable of exhibiting decorum while at the table. You may think it’s #totespresh that your toddler is unintelligibly squawking louder than an Alabama fan, but trust me, you’re the only one. Maybe that sperm-and-egg cocktail you had a while ago warped your brain into thinking that parenting is the single most rewarding thing that has ever happened to you; if that’s the case, good for you. However, many of your peers will disagree with that sentiment. Your new status of Parent During A Period of Gross Overpopulation does not give you the right or privilege to allow your spawn to ruin other people’s evenings.
I’d honestly give Kandel a tip of the hat, if I were dapper enough to wear hats. Too often, new parents develop this overbearing sense of entitlement on their children’s behalf that defies description.
In 1954, United Airlines launched an exclusive male-only Executive flight from New York to Chicago and no one caused a fuss (that is of course until 1970). I vote that restaurant owners repurpose this concept and specifically state that they will not allow small kids. I’m fairly confident that there will be little economic concerns; I’d pay extra to not have to deal with babies wailing in a confined space over a plate of risotto.
Parents, if you absolutely need to go to a restaurant tonight that is kid-friendly, there is a plethora of them. Ask Siri to direct you to the nearest Red Robin or some other primary-colored monstrosity and allow us sad, deprived, unfulfilled, childless individuals consume our underwhelming, overpriced food in peace.