To The Jerks That Put The College Football Playoffs On New Year’s Eve

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To The Jerks That Put The College Football Playoffs On New Year's Eve

I know, I know, New Year’s Eve is the most overrated night of the year. I’ve heard that exact sentiment a million times every December since I turned 21. But guess what? We’re all going to end up doing something any way, no matter how lame or overblown it may be. But you know what makes New Year’s Eve even worse? The College Football Playoffs.

Sure, I guess going to a bar and watching four teams I lack all investment in play to go to the championship is better than going to some crowded-ass club filled with a bunch of people I don’t know that all paid an $80 cover. But now I’m just going to sit there listening to people scream “Are you serious?!” in between talking about their ESPN Bowl Pick ‘Ems.

I was somewhat looking forward to just getting red wine-drunk at a friend’s house while eating prosciutto-wrapped dates before drinking champagne out of a bottle and passing out at 1 a.m. But now? Now I’m just going to be eating ‘tato skins and drinking Miller Lite only to wake up with heartburn because I was too full to get drunk enough to sleep through it.

Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do with my girlfriend? You think she wants to partake in this shit? How the fuck am I supposed to explain to her that we’re about to embark on eight straight hours of football when all she wants to do is wear glittery tops and blackout while crying? Because shit, if you think I’m going to tell my guy friends that I can’t go because I’m heading out to a five-star restaurant for their overpriced New Year’s Eve nineteen-course dinner, you’re off your damn rocker. I’m looking for confetti to fall down on me that night while I cheers and makeout with someone. Not on Baker fucking Mayfield.

What happened to the days where the best bowl games took place on New Year’s Day? I always looked forward to sitting ass-deep on a couch in elastic-banded sweatpants watching all the marquee match-ups. But now I’m forced to waste a precious Thursday night (where I have Friday off, mind you) on games that I’m solely watching so I have something to talk about through the weekend. Are you kidding me? Now every game on January 1st is going to feel like a bunch of appetizers coming after the entrees. What am I supposed to go do? See a movie with a bunch of mouth-breathing simpletons? No.

I’m not asking much from the NCAA here, guys. All I’m asking for is a little shuffling of the schedule. Why not put the semifinals on the Monday following New Year’s Eve weekend? That gives us all something to look forward to rather than all wanting to kill ourselves on our first day back at work after bendering through December. Furthermore, that extends the entire damn NCAA season which I think is something we can all get behind.

I love holiday football games as much as the next guy. Lions on Thanksgiving? Would probably kill myself without that game. Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day? A staple in all of our lives. But two of the three most important games of the entire season falling on a night that’s supposed to be dedicated on blacking out at bougie parties with hot babes and cheap champagne? Why then, NCAA? Why take this away from us?

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