As someone who has been working on the road for the better part of the last nine months, I’ve grown accustomed to living out of a hotel during the week. Nothing beats the comfort and familiar filth of your own home. But when you’re on the road, follow these tips and hotel life can be pretty sweet.
You’re always on the clock
This is rule #1. When you are working on the road, you are always on the clock. I hate answering emails after hours but there is no after hours in the road life. There is an upside and a downside to this. If some hard-on out on the West Coast stays late and is firing off emails at the end of the day, you could be crafting snarky responses past 9:00 p.m. But that doesn’t matter because you aren’t doing anything better with your life. You’ve already beat off twice and are sitting there watching a game featuring two teams of which you have no vested interest in. If you hit reply, you’ve basically put in a 12 hour day. Boom. Pad that time sheet.
Maximize your per diem
Maximizing depends on how your company structures your per diem. If they give you a budget of “X” dollars a day, no questions asked, then eat like dog shit. You will hate yourself, but you’ll have an extra few bucks at the end of the week. If you just expense everything? Spend every last cent. Eat steak for every single meal, and yes, you do want dessert.
Eat the complimentary food
Continental breakfasts are a huge positive to living out of a hotel. If your company puts you up in flea bag motels or establishments that do not offer a free, hot breakfast, you need to seek out other employment opportunities. I don’t care that it is the same exact spread every single morning, there is hot coffee and food ready for me when I wake up. And there are smiling employees to greet me with a “good morning” while they refill the scrambled eggs serving tray that I just cleaned out.
And after you get back from a day of deal closing, grab as many cookies as they will allow. Unless you’re in a domestic relationship straight out of the 50s, you will never have cookies waiting for you every day when you come home from work back home. Girl Scout cookies excluded, of course.
Take the stairs
Take the stairs, you fat ass. You’ve eaten terribly all week and you just inhaled 4 chocolate chip cookies and we both know that you’re not going to want to work out in the closet-sized exercise room with two treadmills and one adjustable bench. What happens if someone else wants to work out while you’re in there? It is such close proximity that you are basically breathing in their sweat. That’s fucking disgusting. Take the stairs and tell yourself you’ll get back in shape when life isn’t so hectic, like the rest of us do.
Take long showers
Listen, you’re not paying to heat this water. So take advantage of it. I for one, never take long showers back home because all I see is dollar bills falling down the drain pipe. But after walking up four flights of stairs, one deserves a nice long shower. Bask in the glory of a 20 minute steam treatment and think nothing of it. Trim the hedges without guilt because the plumbing bill isn’t coming to you, and you’re not the one who has to clean the shower either!
Use all of the towels
Just like the hot water you just wasted, laundry is not something you have to pay for either. So take advantage of the clean, soft towels. You don’t have to subject yourself to the same dirty, damp towel you’ve used the past 3 days in a row back at your apartment. There are usually 9 or 10 towels of various sizes provided in the room. That’s enough to shower twice a day, wash your hands 3 times, masturbate twice (one for sweat one, one for cleanup), and one for the outside of a shower. If there is one clean towel on the rack and not in a sticky pile on the bathroom floor for the maid to cleanup, then you aren’t living your best life.
All of the toiletries and consumables are free for the taking
Make like Chandler and Ross and take everything that isn’t anchored down or plugged in. Every day you stay, you should be forcing the hotel to restock the shampoo, conditioner, soap, coffee, and tea, at a minimum. Stretch those dollars folks, you won’t have to buy that shit for another couple of weeks!
Tip the Maid
Your hotel room looks like a war zone. Tip the poor person. Unless all they do is make your bed. In that case, fuck them..
Image via Shutterstock