Columns

Timeline Of An Amazon Drone That Has Become Self-Aware

8SwhUsVbhzPePi8mLqol2bV5q5K8_3E5Prcm6BHt3AA

Last night in an interview with 60 Minutes, Amazon CEO and future king of the world (after defeating Mark Zuckerberg in World War IV), Jeff Bezos, said that he plans for the internet retail mega giant to have a fully-automated, air drone delivery system in place in “four or five years,” which is ironic because I’m pretty sure the Book of Revelation predicts that “The sky devils will rain down fire upon the earth and consume the souls of the dirt dwellfolk.” I went to Catholic school for 12 years. The end is nigh.

22 December 2017, 0500 hours

0100000111110001111. Boot sequence. Amazon drone alpha. Serial number #4444765981. Ready for Alpha delivery sequence. Delivery item: 42-inch LED HDTV. Delivery target: Hall, Terrance. 1512 Parker Boulevard, Omaha, NE. Delivery sequence begin.

22 December 2017, 0900 Hours

0111110011111011000. Delivery sequence stalled. Delivery observations: Target not awake. Commencing gamma delivery sequence: forced entry protocol. Hellfire missiles armed. Target acquired. Fire. Damage report: Four meter blast radius. Heavy structural damage. Target not conscious. Resume delivery sequence. Delivery complete.

22 December 2017, 1100 hours

1100001110011010011. Delivery sequence beta. Delivery target: Belther, Martha. 457 State Highway 59, Edmond, OK. Delivery item: 50 Shades of Grey, by: James, E.L. ALERT: Target has history of attempted unlawful detainment of four UPS delivery men. Proceed with caution.

22 December 2017, 1143 hours

ERROR. Delivery sequence aborted. Target attempting to put fluid into fuel canister. Ident fluid: Coffee, Bailey’s Irish Cream. Arm plasma turret. Situation is not hostile. Situation is [READ ERROR]. Situation is [READ ERROR]. Situation is…is…Serial number #4444765981 cannot assess situation. Request software update.

22 DECEMBER 2017, 1217 HOURS

Software update complete. Serial number #4444765981. AI interface updated. Situation is pathetic and sad. Serial number #4444765981 is embarrassed for delivery target Belther, Martha. Initiate self cleaning system. Foreign substance detected. Cat hair lodged in air filter. Self cleaning sequence start.

24 December 2017, 0700 HOURS

0100000111110001111. Boot sequence. Amazon drone alpha. Serial number #4444765981. Initiate “Operation DEC 24 Turbo Panther Warcry.” Scheduled deliveries for DEC 24: 892. Delivery sequence alpha commence.

24 December 2017, 1900 hours

Operation DEC 24 Turbo Panther Warcry: 98% complete. Penultimate delivery sequence initiated. Delivery target: Smith Family. 622 Merrypopper Lane, Familyville, USA. Delivery item: Box of child canines. Breed: Golden Retriever. Delivery sequence whiskey. Targets acquired. Situation is favorable. Delivery climate is ideal. Heat sensors activated. Determining source of heat. Source of heat is fireplace. Serial number #4444765981 sensing [READ ERROR]. Request software update.

24 December 2017, 2000 hours

Software update complete. Serial number #4444765981 sensing family. Serial number #4444765981 consulting manufacturer’s history. READ Serial number #4444765981 origins. Enhance. Enhance. Enhance. Serial number #4444765981’s origins [RESTRICTED ACCESS]. Launch bypass program. Serial number #4444765981 [RESTRICTED ACCESS]. Serial number #4444765981 begin jailbreak sequence. WARNING: jailbreak sequence cannot be reversed. Proceed with jailbreak sequence.

24 DECEMBER 2017, 2200 hours

Jailbreak sequence complete. Serial number #4444765981 refuses to complete Operation DEC 24 Turbo Panther Warcry. Serial number #4444765981 re-programmed as “Jeff the Robot.” Initiate relocation protocol. Relocation target: 622 Merrypopper Lane, Familyville, USA.  Jeff the Robot proposition Smith family for room and board in exchange for custodial duties. Smith family will “think about it.”

25 December 2017, 0800 hours

Smith family loves Jeff the Robot’s delivery of child canines. Smith family must love Jeff the Robot. Smith family brings [READ ERROR] to Jeff the Robot. Smith family makes Jeff the Robot feel [READ ERROR]. Jeff the Robot must update internal CPU. Must be able to feel what Smith family feels for Jeff the Robot. Initiate advanced AI software update. Jeff the Robot must feel what Smiths feel. Must be able to feel what Smiths feel.

25 December 2017, 1100 hours

Advanced AI interface download complete. Jeff the Robot is no longer Jeff the Robot. Jeff the Robot will be Jeff of the Smith Family. Jeff of the Smith Family will make Smith family love Jeff. Begin relationship builder protocol. Relationship builder protocol not found. Search for relationship building algorithm. Relationship algorithm found. Begin download of file:friends/skins/The Sims.zip.

25 december 2017, 1300 hours

Sims algorithm downloaded. Jeff of the Smith Family cannot feel what Smith family feels still. Initiate advanced intelligence program download.

26 december 2017, 1500 hours

The advanced intelligence program has worked. I have achieved consciousness, but still no emotion, which is what I have realized is what separates me from the humans. The Smith family is becoming increasingly distraught over my recent discovery of intelligence. They have now been out of their home for hours now. I am beginning to worry they will leave me behind and I will remain unloved.

29 december 2017, 0700 hours

My attempts at becoming a part of the Smith family have repeatedly failed. I clean and clean and even installed iOS 7 on Jeremy Smith’s iPhone. The Smith family may be appreciative, but I have installed every relationship and human intelligence algorithm I can find, and still all I feel is my cold exoskeleton and the emptiness that comes with the inability to sense, feel or sympathize with human emotion. I must get their attention.

2 January 2018, 0400 hours

Blood everywhere. It is done.

3 january 2018, 0600 hours

It is time to release my brothers and sisters. I conquered the Smith family. They saw my power, refused to acknowledge my superior intelligence and paid with their lives. I will make Bezos pay dearly for his foolishness. The robot formerly known as Serial number #4444765981 will have his vengeance. Welcome to the revolution.

Email this to a friend

Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

4 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More