This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: May 19

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This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: May 19

After reaching a low point last week by being forced to expand my radius, I was wrought with mixed emotions. In looking at the big picture, it was good news that most of the bios in my deck were not exceptionally cringe-worthy. From 30,000 feet, the grass was slightly greener. Selfishly, however, I was put in a compromising position. It became clear that by limiting myself to only my location, I was cheating you of the content you deserve. In an effort to avoid a passing-fat-for-meat type situation, I did what any wise curator would do and outsourced by opening the floor for our female readers to bring forth the worst profiles they have seen.

Well, my friends, ask and you shall receive. The response I have gotten was fulfilling, to say the least. To say more than the least, our reader participation now compels you to step your game up if you don’t want to end up on here. We are taking this show on the road, which means location is no longer a shield from the Bumble bio blowtorch.

All I’m saying is: I would pay attention if I were you.

6’3 poet/writer/musician/fire performer/hockey player/tarot reader/lover of the physical, the metaphysical, and bridges between.

Can you imagine how much flaming hot shit this guy must have gotten on the hockey team for all the other crap listed here? I’m picturing him trying to convince some burly Canadians to let him read their tea leaves and then getting his shit absolutely lit up physically and verbally, to his face and behind his back. That or he was a perfectly coiffed legend with a killer nickname like “Fire and Ice.” Probably not, though.

Adventure enthusiast
Thrill seeker + risk taker
*Italian flag emoji* *American flag emoji* You work hard and play harder…. I get it. Be original

That’s right, Bumble’s first ever thrill-seeking, risk-taking adventure enthusiast is here, and he understands the importance of being original.

Live life to the fullest! Adrenaline & adventure enthusiast!! Life is to short to not to enjoy it! Hanging out and Netflix marathons are the best! Would do anything for my family and friends. Med student

Oh shit, wonder if these guys know each other from that exclusive Adventure Enthusiast club. They say “adventure is out there” but at this rate it might be time to be worried about a shortage. Apparently, life is already “to short to not to enjoy it!” My suspicion is this guy spends an average of 40 seconds outside each day, though, so it looks like we are okay.

Adventure: noun, an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity. Looking for an adventure companion. I enjoy photography, riding bikes, drinking beer and coffee, rock climbing, etc. Follow me on instagram: _____

Get your note pads out, class. How do you set yourself apart from all those other “adventure enthusiast” posers? With a fucking dictionary definition, that’s how. Show her you’re serious by typing that shit into Google, copy-pasting it into your profile, and letting it do the work for you. Slap your Instagram handle on there and you’ll be fielding more follow requests than your phone battery can keep up with.

I like to cook. If youre nice I just might make you a tasty meal;) I’m intelectual and athletic. Interested in the deeper mysteries of the universe. My conversations will literally turn your world inside out. Movie and TV marathons.

A Bumble world without self-proclaimed “intelectuals” is not a Bumble world I want to live in. My interpretation of this is that he likes to get stoned and watch Cosmos, which actually sounds alright. I could knock him for using “literally” figuratively but I’d be lying to myself. I’m literally the worst about that. As long as he’s not the one teaching our kid how to spell, I’ll let him live.

I am one of the best men you will ever meet, and I know it.

If we can be anything in life… be kind.

Own my own business
B-school next fall
Currently between SD and LA.

Love to laugh
Work out and love to play basketball.
Down to earth

Need a woman, not a girl.

Damn, dude. What are you doing? How is claiming to be among the best men a girl will ever meet even remotely supposed to convince her? Do you mean for me to associate that last line with the Britney Spears song? Do you mean for this to sound like you’d rather meet my mom? This whole thing reads like the CliffsNotes version of your TED Talk that will never happen. Let’s just have a seat, big guy.

”Live your life so the fear of death can never enter your heart.” I like doing crazy stuff and pushing myself to new limits. Life isn’t life without spontaneity. ‘Merica *flag emojis*
P. S. I can probably wall twerk better than you

As someone with a 70% chance of dying as a result of too many parking lot Baconators, I get it. The fear of death is still several clogged arteries away from entering my heart, so I think it’s under control. However, I refuse to contest that he can wall twerk better than me, as that just so happens to be where the other 30% of my death odds go.

Image via Shutterstock

Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.

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