20-year-old John: Out of the dorms and finally on my own! I’m so pumped to move into my very first apartment. This is going to be SO sick.
28-year-old JR: My landlord is an asshat for kicking us out at the beginning of summer. This fucking blows.
John: This place is HUGE. So much room for activities! I can’t wait to turn the extra bedroom into a bar room. Plus it’s carpeted so my boys have a place to sleep over after parties!
JR: This apartment is disgusting.
John: Love this long hallway that runs the length of my place – it’s perfect for beer pong!
JR: Oh great, literally nothing fits down this hallway.
John: You guys gotta sit on this leather recliner couch. Yeah I got it off the street and we cracked it in half trying to maneuver it down the tiny hallway but it’s in perfectly good condition.
JR: Wait, a new couch from Pottery Barn costs HOW MUCH?!?
John: Everything is so white and clean – this place looks brand new!
JR: I just know the first thing she’s going to want to do is paint this shit.
John: This huge blank wall will be perfect for a projection screen! And I have these old DJ speakers we can hook up the N64 to for the complete surround sound experience.
JR: Can we please upgrade from a 40 inch to a 55 inch? What do you mean you’ll never watch it? You watch your Housewives crap all the time!
John: Eventually I should knock on my neighbor’s doors and intro myself! I’m planning on having some epic parties and need them on my side.
JR: I’ll probably only knock on a neighbors door if it smells like a dead body. Ehh, scratch that; probably only if I see blood.
John: Bros, thanks for helping me move! I’ll totally return the favor next weekend. We should work out a system so none of us have to hire movers this summer.
JR: *writes $980 check*
John: All I need now are some pots and pans. You guys want to roll with me to some garage sales I saw on our way over here?
JR: I don’t understand. How do we have 84 boxes of stuff for a one-bedroom apartment?
John: We definitely need to get a pet for this place. It will be like the apartment mascot!
JR: So glad this place has no backyard. No backyard=no dog and no dog= no kids. Yet.
John: Who’s got the new Weezy mixtape on their iPhone? Plug it into the aux and toss me a Bud Select. I saw the guys on Entourage drinking it and I’m easily susceptible to branding.
JR: Wait, where’s that loud music coming from?
John: I’d better run down to check on the U-Haul. It’s been double parked for 6 and a half hours.
JR: Sure, we can go to Bed Bath and Beyond for a third time. I’ll go grab the car.
John: Do you think if I smoke a joint in this U-Haul I’ll lose my deposit?
JR: The kid in that truck with the backwards Cubs hat looks like one of the assholes from work. .