Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Lying

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Things I've Gotten Worse At: Lying

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Sex.

At work

22-year-old John: “Yep, finishing it up as we speak. Will have it to you by EOD.”
28-year-old JR: “My bad was it important?” Haven’t even looked at it yet.

John: “Sorry, I can’t come in today I’m fighting a terrible cold/fever/stomach flu/sore throat.”
JR: “Umm, someone died…” Great, now I get to go off the grid for a week.

John: “Well I’m not in the office today so I’ll be sure to take this as PTO…”
JR: “Did I say someone died? I meant they’re very ill and it looks like they’re going to pull through.” Just remembered I have to provide paperwork for a death.

John: “How do I like the job? I love it, everybody here is like family and you’re a great boss!”
JR: “Not a fan. Probably going to start looking for a new gig soon.” That’s fine give the promotion to someone else.

John: “Thank you for your feedback. I’m going to carefully take all of your points into consideration and work to improve in all areas.”
JR: I’m not going to change a single thing I’m doing.

Love life

John: “No babe, I love that dress, it’s one of my new favorites!”
JR: “Return it – makes you look like a picnic blanket. ”

John: “All of your friends from college seem really great, I can tell why you talk about them so much.”
JR: “I hated those people.” Make a choice right now: them or me.

John: “Yes, your friend’s wedding sounds fun! Of course I don’t mind going…” on a Saturday in June during the playoffs.
JR: I’m going to leave midway through the reception and go to a bar solo. No way this blows up in my face.

John: “I’m not really attracted to any of your girlfriends in ‘that way.’ They’re like sisters to me!”
JR: “Yeah your old roommate is a smoke. What? You ASKED.”

John: “I haven’t really given much thought to marriage or kids. I like to live in the moment.”
JR: I’m reminded of my age every morning when I get out of bed and I can hear your biological clock ticking from three blocks away.

Out and about

John: “Can I get a cup for water?”
JR: “Can I get a cup for whatever free drink I want?”

John: “Whoops, I didn’t mean to put that in my bag. I’ll gladly pay for it along with my other items.”
JR: “Oh, sorry nobody taught me how to use the self-checkout machine.” Yeah I was shoplifting.

John: All my liquids are under 3.4 oz and my carry-on bag should fit neatly into the overhead compartment.
JR: sweating bullets “Nope, nothing illegal in here!”

John: “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me!”
JR: Get the fuck away from me bum.

John: Shit, there’s a guy I went to high school with. puts in headphones, pretends to be on a call
JR: Shit, there’s a guy I went to high school with. makes eye contact, leaves

Image via Shutterstock

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