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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Lying

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Lying

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Sex.

At work

22-year-old John: “Yep, finishing it up as we speak. Will have it to you by EOD.”
28-year-old JR: “My bad was it important?” Haven’t even looked at it yet.

John: “Sorry, I can’t come in today I’m fighting a terrible cold/fever/stomach flu/sore throat.”
JR: “Umm, someone died…” Great, now I get to go off the grid for a week.

John: “Well I’m not in the office today so I’ll be sure to take this as PTO…”
JR: “Did I say someone died? I meant they’re very ill and it looks like they’re going to pull through.” Just remembered I have to provide paperwork for a death.

John: “How do I like the job? I love it, everybody here is like family and you’re a great boss!”
JR: “Not a fan. Probably going to start looking for a new gig soon.” That’s fine give the promotion to someone else.

John: “Thank you for your feedback. I’m going to carefully take all of your points into consideration and work to improve in all areas.”
JR: I’m not going to change a single thing I’m doing.

Love life

John: “No babe, I love that dress, it’s one of my new favorites!”
JR: “Return it – makes you look like a picnic blanket. ”

John: “All of your friends from college seem really great, I can tell why you talk about them so much.”
JR: “I hated those people.” Make a choice right now: them or me.

John: “Yes, your friend’s wedding sounds fun! Of course I don’t mind going…” on a Saturday in June during the playoffs.
JR: I’m going to leave midway through the reception and go to a bar solo. No way this blows up in my face.

John: “I’m not really attracted to any of your girlfriends in ‘that way.’ They’re like sisters to me!”
JR: “Yeah your old roommate is a smoke. What? You ASKED.”

John: “I haven’t really given much thought to marriage or kids. I like to live in the moment.”
JR: I’m reminded of my age every morning when I get out of bed and I can hear your biological clock ticking from three blocks away.

Out and about

John: “Can I get a cup for water?”
JR: “Can I get a cup for whatever free drink I want?”

John: “Whoops, I didn’t mean to put that in my bag. I’ll gladly pay for it along with my other items.”
JR: “Oh, sorry nobody taught me how to use the self-checkout machine.” Yeah I was shoplifting.

John: All my liquids are under 3.4 oz and my carry-on bag should fit neatly into the overhead compartment.
JR: sweating bullets “Nope, nothing illegal in here!”

John: “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me!”
JR: Get the fuck away from me bum.

John: Shit, there’s a guy I went to high school with. puts in headphones, pretends to be on a call
JR: Shit, there’s a guy I went to high school with. makes eye contact, leaves

Image via Shutterstock

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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