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The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 10/8

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

  • “Android is better than iPhone because it’s more customizable and open to develop for. Granted, I don’t know how to do any of that shit, but the point stands.”
  • “Why do kung fu masters always call the new guy grasshopper? Do grasshoppers grow up and become badass spiders or something once they get their training?”
  • “Is the comedy movie thing where the married guy gives his porn stash to his single friend now just a moment where he hands him a flash drive, or tells him the password to his cloud account?”
  • “I don’t see any reason to visit Israel other than maybe to bang a chick who owns an Uzi.”
  • “Blowjobs are the most monetizable asset out there right now, and we’re just lucky women haven’t figured that out yet.”
  • After seeing a tall girl: “I’d like to climb her like a tree, and harvest her coconuts. Not like cut ‘em off, just…you know what I fucking mean.”
  • “I think it’s safe to say that Batman is basically just Karate Jesus.”
  • 1: “You’d think we would have invented a better version of the candle by now.” 2: “You mean like light bulbs and air fresheners?” 1: “Fuck off.”
  • “Of all the fairy tale creatures, I think you can make the strongest argument for garden gnomes being real.”
  • “If society collapses, I’m just gonna go to the grocery store and get a bunch of canned anchovies, because that shit will still be there, even in an apocalypse situation.”
  • “My autobiography is going to be titled Dodge Stratus Monster Trucks: And Other Dumb Projects I Never Had The Money To Do.”
  • “Who the fuck owns enough socks to effectively hide anything in their sock drawer?”
  • “Having to pick up your own dog’s shit is the most dehumanizing thing you can do, other than maybe genocide.”
  • “I always wanted to work in talk radio, because people never took my opinions seriously.”
  • “I bet Jimi Hendrix never had to put up with this shit.”
  • “I wish I would’ve been bullied more as a kid.”
  • “Do you think the ancient South Americans decided to discover coffee because they really needed a pick me up before their weekly corporate hunting meetings?”
  • “Would you rather sit in standstill traffic with a buttplug in, or talk to your grandma on the phone for an hour?”
  • “I’m still not convinced that dreadlocks are real hair.”
  • “You wouldn’t be laughing if I had turned out to be right.”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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