Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems, Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros who fit your particular situation.
Q: I’ve been seeing this guy for about six months but he refuses to get along with my guys friends. I like him but it’s kind of a deal breaker if I can’t hang out with any of my friends. How can I get him to make more of an effort with them?
I got this question a couple of weeks ago and it became a bit of a discussion toward the end of the TotalFratMove Podcast, which I host. I told a story about meeting my former significant other’s guy friend.
Guys and girls can be friends. In fact, everyone should have a non-romantic friend of the opposite sex. They’re the right person to tell you that girls hate fist bumps, guys want a girl to eat on a date, girls do poop, and no guy is too straight to have his anus touched. This column has always been for girls. I give an honest guy’s perspective on dating and the reader and I have no history, so the advice doesn’t feel like a personal jab. Let me be honest with the girls: one of your “guy friends” would hook up with you. If you texted all of your “guy friends” something like, “Hey, I’ve been really horny lately. Come over and keep it between us,” you’ll have a couple of texts like, “HAHA” or “Put on a movie and start flicking.” Those are your real guy friends. But there will be some “guy friends” (more than you think) who will respond with a “What?” That “What?” is a Zack Morris-style “Timeout.” That’s your “guy friend” saying, “Prove you’re serious. Prove this isn’t a joke.” And this is why some of your guy friends make the guy you’re seeing feel uncomfortable. We know ourselves. We know which girls are our friends and which girls would get that “What?” text.
Those two groups usually get split into “girls we have a reason for knowing” and “girls we somehow became friends with.” I have tons of girls who are my friends and the closest ones are there for a specific reason: we grew up together, we went to high school together, we went to college together, she dated my friend, we work together, we have like-experiences that connect us and make us actual friends. Then there are the “girls I somehow know.” These are the girls that the reason for knowing one another is diluted. She might be the girl I met at a party and we had more to talk about than what we each did for a living or which part of the city we live in. Realistically, these relationships are there because there was some level of attraction. Those “girls I somehow know” are the ones guys will answer with the “What?” text, the ones a guy would think, “What’s there to lose?” So when I start to meet a girl I’m dating’s guy friends I start splitting them into the groups: the guys who have a reason for being around and the guys where things get murky.
The fact is, there’s only so much time in the day. After college, you want to go to work, get to the gym, hang out with friends, and have sex. When I meet a guy you know from high school talking about his eHarmony dates, I get it. I know why he’s at your party or pregame. He can be with his friend who may introduce him to someone else who can get him blown. There’s no monopolization of time. But when I meet that guy from your building, I’m thinking “What’s this guy’s plan to get blown?” or “Where are his guy friends?” or “Where are his high school girlfriends?” or even “How does he know where the hand towels are?” I know you’ve never even thought of hooking up with him, but he’s thought about hooking up with you. This guy friend is in a can’t-lose competition for your laughter, affection, and attention.
This whole thing is about insecurity. Guys generally get along with other guys. You rarely find a guy who refuses to start a friendship with another guy because he wore the wrong shoes or got his hair highlighted the wrong way. If you’re dating someone who constantly gets jealous or refuses to get along with your friends, then that’s on him. He has an insecurity that you’re probably not going to fix. But if you’re dating a guy who shys away from one “guy friend,” there’s generally a reason beyond him just being another guy. Try to ask about it and try to respect his discomfort. Or just look in the mirror. Maybe you like the attention and maybe you’re exploring the wrong relationship.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.