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The Overconfident Millennial’s Guide To Getting Into The Real Estate Game

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The fastest way to get rich is real estate. It has made kings out of men. You might find a cheap plot of land along a river, and next thing you know, the French are selling it to you for three cents an acre. Flash forward 200 years, and one third of the greatest country on the planet is sitting on top of that land. Talk about return on investment. That’s what it really comes down to. We’re all looking for our Louisiana Purchase. That mega property deal that lands you hundreds of percentage points in return. You’ll wake up one morning as a billionaire, no thanks to the beautiful enterprise known as real estate.

All it takes is a little know how and hard work. Here’s how you get to the top of the mountain:

Hit up family members for capital

Rich uncle Charlie probably has you covered. I don’t care who you are, everyone has a rich relative. You march right in to their place of work unannounced and ask them for 50 grand right then and there. Tell them that you have some money saved up and drop some terms that you learned in the 1000 level accounting class you took junior year. It doesn’t even have to be a full thousand dollars of your own money, they just need to know that you’re also bucking up some cash to cover what you will call “startup costs.” Take their money, get yourself a nice little loan, and start planning. You don’t even need a solid plan, just know that you’re about to become a landowner. You’ll be living large off of fat residual income in no time.

Buy property, any property

Now that you’re flush with funding, you can start scouting for property. You literally don’t even have to have any knowledge about the property. Could be farmland, old apartment buildings with what you call “good bones,” an old strip mall that only has one open and operating UPS Store, an old shipping hub. You got this thing on the cheap so you have plenty of cash left over to pimp the thing out. Be sure you wear a power suit to look like a true boss player. Thin tapered lapel, slim cut, navy, brown Cole Haan wingtips, brown belt, pastel tie, obnoxiously large windsor knot. Dress for the fortune you want, not the negligent debt-to-income ratio you have.

Come up with big plans for it

So, let’s say you settled on the old apartment building with good bones. It was built in the ’60s and has a really baller interior. Crown molding that just needs a few coats of paint, awesome original hardwood parquet floors that just need to be sanded down and re-stained, new HVAC units, new bathroom tile, new appliances and some other shit. All you need is a weekend of hard labor and elbow grease and you’ll have this place looking like the W South Beach, collecting 30k in rent every month.

Tell people about your big plans for it

“Well, it was built in the ’60s. It has really good bones. Baller interior. All I really need is a solid month to get it together and then it’ll come together.”

Now, you have to tell people about your plans for your new “boutique” apartment/condo/studio/modern luxe complex that’s coming in late 2015/TBD. This is a chance for you to bring on potential suckers investors. Make sure you offer to take them on a tour at some point. If they do happen to take you up on your offer, don’t panic. Just make sure that you bring them around when you have construction crews on the premises. Throw on some hard hats to make it look official. Now you really look the part.

Play the waiting game

Yes, so costs are much bigger than you thought. It doesn’t matter. Start moving people in, anyway. You need revenue. Just polish the damn turd and delay your plans until further notice. Make sure you tell your potential tenants that you really plan on blowing this place out. New appliances, granite countertops, the works. Make sure you keep their eyes down on those glorious parquet floors that you actually finished. Yeah, so you might have to tear those up at some point to fix the crumbling foundation, but they don’t need to know that. This place is baller! It’s a steal at $2,100 a month.

Default on your bank loan

Fuck.

Get your dick sued off

Time to get your wages garnished!

Go back to being a corporate drone

Accept your failure because you’re a delusional piece of shit who was in no way qualified to take on a venture of this size and scope.

Image via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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