Beyond the usual milieu of things that irk us (Upworthy click-bait, Buzzfeed quiz results, pregnancy announcements, etc.) there are a few words or phrases people use in their status updates that really just get under my skin and piss me off. I imagine that they annoy you, too. I can’t be the only one using social media who hates people, can I?
1. Anyone who uses the word “officially” to make an announcement.
Examples: “Officially getting my MBA at Wossamotta U!” or “Officially interning for Such-and-Such Incorporated!” or “Officially moving to New York City in June!” Even worse, what always follows are 80 to 150 likes and a note from Facebook that says, “Send Molly a gift!”
Here’s a tip: “officially” nobody gives a shit. You’re moving to a new city, not running for mayor. Stop treating every menial life announcement like you just got cast in a Martin Scorsese movie just so you can feel the euphoria of digital affirmations from your “friends.” You make me sick.
2. People Who Still Make 2006-Era Facebook Statuses
Examples: “Eric is excited to be going on vacation with his mom for two weeks!” or “Sid is not sure where he should go to get his master’s degree. Any ideas?”
Seriously? Facebook got rid of the weird third person “____ is” thing years ago and gave us the freedom of choice that we’d been craving since Facebook began. So why are you setting us back 10 years? You’re making the rest of us look bad. At least try to be slightly creative with your status updates. We are no longer bound by our names, or the pseudo-omniscient prompt of “How are you feeling?”
We’re free, Zuckerberg! You can’t make us speak the way you want us to. We’re not your puppets anymore.
3. Saying “I Am In You” When You’re In A New City
Examples: “Houston, I AM IN YOU!” or “Charlotte, I AM IN YOU!” or “Sheboygan, I AM IN YOU!”
It doesn’t get much creepier than this, especially when it’s a city that can be misconstrued as a person’s name. Also, do you really expect people to care that you just arrived in a new city? Was this status to notify the mayor that you’ve arrived so he or she can get your ticker-tape parade started? No, the only thing that’s going to happen is you’ll get two likes, some weirdo you lost touch with from high school will comment, “Duuuude you’re in town? Hmu!” and after learning your apartment is unattended, someone might rob you. And after that status, you deserve it.
4. People Who Post About Holidays You’ve Never Heard Of
Examples: “National Sibling Day” or “Love Your Pet Day” or “Father’s Day.”
Someone just told me that this is a real holiday, so forgive me if you’re celebrating, but in my book, a holiday isn’t a holiday unless your local grocery store or drugstore sets aside an aisle for said holiday. No, this is just an excuse for you to picstitch a bunch of images of you and your siblings so you can get a bunch of likes. Are you going to actually call or spend time with your brothers or sisters? Not at all. But you’ll post a picture to Facebook, #hashtag it #nationalsiblingday, and be done with it. Also, how offensive is this to only children? Intolerant bastards.
Speaking of hashtags…
5. #Hashtag #Hell–Double Posts From Instagram And Twitter
Connectivity will be the end of us all. I can understand cross-posting pictures from Instagram to Facebook–believe me, I take a pretty mean selfie, and I want the world to see it. But people who link their Twitter accounts to Facebook are possibly the worst people on Earth. They tweet every five seconds, clogging your newsfeed with every mundane thought that goes through their heads: “Man, it’s hot out,” “Ugh, the Subway isn’t running, smh,” “MY CABLE IS BROKEN FUCK @TWC.” I don’t need to know your every thought, asshole. If I wanted to, I’d follow you on Twitter. And I don’t follow you on Twitter for a reason.
The only escape is the sweet, sweet release of death. Or the unfriend button. Whatever’s easier.
Spotify updates fall under this category as well. I don’t care how much Luke Bryan you listen to, whoever the hell that is. You CAN turn off Facebook notifications on Spotify if you gave a damn. I discovered how to do it when I didn’t want people seeing how much Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez I listen to on a daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong, social media is a boon to society and we’d be lost without it. How else would we know what Justin Bieber was thinking on an hour-by-hour basis, and how would we be able to interact with him afterwards? “OMG JUSTIN I <3 YOU pLz Rt n’ FOLLOW <333”
And most of you are actually competent posters and users. Internet literacy is a dying art, but for those of you keeping it alive, I thank you from the bottom of my cold, black heart. But my God, the rest of you are just awful. Leave me alone.