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The Monday From Hell Survival Guide

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Mondays are a horrible way to spend a seventh of your life, and it’s only a matter of statistics that some Mondays are going to be much, much worse than others. Your typical Monday symptoms involve the remnants of your weekend hangover, grogginess, and limited motivation. Then comes the Monday from hell, where you walk into the office only to face a perfect storm, a fucking nor’easter of Hollywood proportions. You’re running on a grand total of 10 hours of sleep from the weekend due to Netflix binging and drinking, your boss is in on time for the first time in weeks, and you have a solid 10 hours straight of work in front of you that you have to do. The key here is not to try to turn this Monday into a good day. Fuck that positivity crap. It’s not going to happen. Your goal is simply to survive. Monday is the “Deliverance” of all the days of the week, and you just want to make it out alive.

That said, I put together a simple survival guide to get you through the Monday from hell. Your main goals are to get your necessities done for the day, not get caught dozing off on the company dime, and get home safely to fight the good fight another day.

Stimulants

As a disclaimer, don’t use anything that will get you fired–so no snow flurries or any other stimulants that would be frowned upon should you have a surprise urine test on the Monday from hell. Your lifelines today are going to be one (or a combination) of the following: light roast coffee, energy drinks or energy shots, and, if you managed to get a prescription from your doctor, Adderall XR or Vyvanse XR. You will need a constant, moderate flow of stimulants in your bloodstream to survive today, even if it does make you a little jittery. Don’t overdo it, though. The bigger the dose, the bigger the 3 p.m. crash, and then you are S.O.L. On Mondays from hell, I average about four or five cups of coffee spaced out evenly throughout the day. Moderation is key.

Pumping Yourself Up In The Morning

I’ll get this out of the way now–this is embarrassingly cheesy, and you are guaranteed to hate yourself afterward. Mindset is everything today, and you need to take whatever you can to get yourself through it. It’s like that workout music you have on your iPod that would cause you to die of shame if anyone found out you listened to it. In fact, listen to that music. Do the “Wolf Of Wall Street” chest thump. Do anything possible to give yourself an unhealthy adrenaline rush. This is preferable before you leave for work, or, worst case scenario, during your commute.

Light Physical Activity Throughout The Day

Believe it or not, this is crucial to your survival. You’re going to have to force yourself to do it, because a simple injection of stimulants isn’t enough. I’ve found that if you simply get your blood flowing just a few times a day, the energy payoff is exponential. I usually do body squats or jumping jacks out of view of everyone so I don’t look like some fitness douchebag. Sitting at a desk all day drains the life out of you. Trust me on this. You don’t have to be proud of your survival tactics.

Eat Whatever The Fuck You Want For Lunch

Keeping your spirits high today is crucial. I don’t care if you are on a diet (I am, in fact, on one as a result of my winter hibernation insulation). Eat anything that makes you happy. Forget “energy” foods or gluten free or whatever. If you’re craving Chipotle, get a quesarito. If you want fried chicken and mac and cheese, head on over to Publix and get some soul food in you. You can worry about the blowback on your next gym day. This is a matter of life and death.

If you follow these four steps, you are going to live to fight another Monday. There’s no shame in doing whatever it takes to survive. Mondays are war. Hell on Earth. The cubicle warrior’s Fallujah. Good luck.

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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