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The Business Bag: Murders And Executions

The Business Bag: Murders And Executions

The bag is back. Your boy is back. Fresh off of his high horse and ready to answer questions. Let’s ride.

Crimedawg,

Big fan of your work and proud member of The Network #DCONation, and I’m looking for some advice that might be good for DDB or the new Business Bag.

As a hotshot who probably oversaw/orchestrated a couple of M&As in your corp law time, have you any advice for me as an employee of a company who was just bought out by one of our competitors? For context, we’re both small IT firms and provide a lot of the same services. In terms of size comparison they have 2.5x our revenue but 4 or 5 times the headcount, so it’s not like we’re being consumed by a much larger giant and are told there won’t be job losses. I’m on the sales side of things so can hopefully put in the work to protect myself regardless of what is being said, but what else should I be mindful of in this situation? Office politics etc? I’ve only ever worked at 2 companies, (both startups) so not sure how to handle the situation of a larger organisation.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

From your (only?) Irish listener,
Young Gil

Gil? Haven’t heard that name in years. We used to have a Gil around here a while back, but that was a long time ago.

Let me begin by thanking you for taking us global, and also for believing I’m an M&A (mergers and acquisitions) guy. I’m actually into, uh, murders and executions. Mostly. Admittedly, I’m not familiar with the corporate nuances faced by sales bros in Ireland, but I believe there a few universal truths that apply here.

1. Don’t let them fuck with your nut, Gil.

The next few weeks are going to be vital to your future with this company. Presumably, the acquiring company will have its own sales staff, so you need to keep your head on a swivel. Be very protective of your clients. If your manager starts asking you to introduce the new sales force to any clients, oblige, but do so skeptically. Make sure those relationships are airtight. Remind them that you remember topical details of their family, but nothing too personal. Like, yeah, ask them about the kids’ soccer game, but maybe lay off asking about the divorce. Basic stuff.

2. Stand your ground, Gil.

I think you’re safe. Let’s just assume the toughest road ahead for you is assimilating with the new team. The obvious move here is to project your alpha dog status. I’m not saying you have to pull round the clock power moves, but…sprinkling in a select few narrowly tailored to your situation wouldn’t be the worst idea. If your office has any traditions, make them a way bigger deal than they are. Pink shirt Thursday? It’s now the bond that holds your office together. Life or death shit. Even if you haven’t participated in months, it’s your hill to die on. If the new guys try to fuck with tradition, you should adopt said tradition 10x harder than you ever have. Your favorite after work watering hole? That doesn’t change. They may acquire your IP, but they’ll never take your happy hour. Remember that.

Dave,

What are some fun gambling games to play on the golf course?

Thanks

We’ve discussed this on the critically acclaimed Touching Base, but WOLF is our go-to. You can check out the rules of the game here, but understand that they vary by region. For example, the concept of “hammering” is something my Dallas friends used every time, but down in Austin? Not so much. It’s basically upping the bet mid-hole by yelling “HAMMER” and forcing opponents to either accept the higher bet, or concede the hole and the money. I have to warn you, though: I’ve seen friendships nuked by hammers. Not everyone takes kindly to having someone yell HAMMER as they line up a five-footer.

Other than WOLF, I’m a big fan of the two-man scramble. I know that’s bland as hell, but it’s a fun way to gamble even when you don’t have your best game (i.e. you yakked in the parking lot).

Dave:

Love that you’re trying to make PGP more female friendly, but if you think I’m going to stop supping, you will be proven wrong.

#DCO

Hey, cowboy. Sup your little heart out. That’s not the issue. Do you. Hit me with your jokes. Just don’t be a creepy loser in the comment section. There’s a right way to do this, and a wrong way. I’ve got faith in you.

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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