I love Christmas music. From sun down on Turkey Day, through Christmas morning, it’s nonstop yule tide carols in my house. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Why not celebrate with the gift of song?
Alas, even the hap-happiest season of all has its blemishes that come in the form of some of the worst songs ever to be made. Now I don’t want to ruin your holiday season buy drumming up the ghost of songs past, but people need to know that these tunes must fall out of our holiday play list… Like, now.
5. Mele Kalikimaka
Let’s start with the fact that nobody goes to Hawaii to celebrate Christmas. Not to mention that when I think about Christmas, not one image of Hawaii has ever crept into my mind. It’s the pairing of two opposite things, for the sake of pairing two opposite things. Basically, it’s a fake ass “Feliz Navidad,” which is the undisputed champion of the multi-lingual Christmas songs. If a Christmas song is going to teach me another language, at least let it be one I can use in my daily life.
Replace with: N’sync – Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. I really hope Justin gets off his ass and does another Christmas album with these guys.
4. 12 Days of Christmas
Who hasn’t heard this song and found themselves saying, “Dear sweet baby Jesus, please let this song be over already,” by day 3? And why the hell is “five golden rings” part so drug out and said with so much emphasis? Anyone else get the death stare from their significant other when the “five golden rings” part comes on? How in the world could this guy afford all of this stuff? Damn you, “12 Days of Christmas.” Damn you to hell.
Replace with: Bruce Springsteen – Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town. Because there is always room for The Boss on your holiday playlist.
3. Last Christmas
While usually I would be in Wham!’s corner, this song is so depressing it makes me want to drown my sorrows in eggnog and stuff gingerbread men in my face (I know what I just wrote there, let’s just move on). Want to end your Christmas party and send everyone home abruptly? Throw this little ditty on. A slow tempo Christmas song is fine, even “Blue Christmas” by the King himself has its redeeming qualities, but dammit, Wham!, why do you have to be so melodramatic all the time?
Replace with: Wham! – Wake Me Up, Before You Go-go. Not a Christmas song, I know. It’s still awesome though.
2. Little Drummer Boy (specifically the Justin Bieber version)
As if we needed another reason to hate this butthole, he single handedly tried to ruin Christmas with this abomination of a holiday classic. If you haven’t heard the song, don’t do it to yourself, but just know that Busta Rhymes has a guest spot. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. Ruining the Anne Frank museum wasn’t enough, now this turd is trying to ruin my favorite holiday? He could have made the best Christmas album ever, but the mere fact that Christmas stands for everything he is against (i.e. giving back, loving one another, not acting like a total douche for 48 hours) basically means he can do no right when it comes to yule tide tunes.
And while he’s made significant gains to get back in my good graces the past few months, every time I remember this song of his I am immediately stripped of my yule tide feelings.
Replace with: Run DMC – Christmas in Hollis. Let these guys show The Bieb’s how hip hop is really done.
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
How this song has been permitted to survive in holiday music culture so long is beyond me. Everything about this song sucks. From the terrible lyrics to the guys horrible twang voice, this song is a top to bottom massacre to listen to. Grandma is actually lucky she didn’t survive her woodland creature mauling to hear this terrible ode to her legacy. The song is too terrible to even be ironic. I would rather spend the rest of my life getting Christmas lights to work than be subject to one more holiday season of this song.
Replace with: Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas. Who doesn’t listen to this song and think about that little kid from “Love Actually” crushing it on the drums? Probably the best holiday movie/music combo there is..
Image via YouTube