I rolled out of bed this morning not really expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen. “Cocaine Blues” by Johnny Cash played faintly from my laptop in my bedroom as I got in the shower, gave my brand new loofah a test run, and shaved. I had a cup of coffee and some peanut butter toast before I got dressed, and I was out the door to work at 7:30 AM on the nose. The train was as packed as usual, and I was silently cussing out the guy next to me who kept coughing on the sleeve of my jacket. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to some absolutely shocking information. A DM message from a random girl. It read as follows.
“Hey, howdy, hola. You don’t know me so this is super random but just throwin’ this out there, as it relates to you: I started talking to this guy on Hinge the other night and things were going pretty well – he was witty and the conversation wasn’t as mind-numbing as usual. His ‘lines’ were smooth, he was a fellow Tom Petty fan, had a solid appreciation for Tevas, an affinity for Palazzo pants, and “the most eclectic library in north America”.
I know what you’re probably thinking –this dude is not you (I promise) and he’s stealing all your lines! Which I’m sure is probably like, totally flattering. I had no idea that this wasn’t OG content until he sent me a link to one of your blog posts. I thought it was pretty funny (yeah, you’re welcome) so I did some obligatory stalking and found you on Twitter. I then realized that 95% of his ‘smooth lines’ came from your tweets. For some reason, it immediately turned me off. Like, it’s cool that he thinks you’re great, but I was thinking that this kid was great and turns out he was just a knock-off brand of you.
The kicker? The other day I went back to check his Hinge profile after reading your blog on dating apps and lo and behold — his new bio line: “Great hair. Decent ass”. Serious question: do I give him another chance and chalk it up to him being a big fan or should I move on bc that’s semi-weird? (also plz plz don’t post this on your blog or w/e because it’d prob hurt his feelings/make for an awkward situation and such)”
I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended. There is a guy, somewhere out there on the internet, who is impersonating me. ME. The guy who gets pissed on by his one-night stands. The guy who makes next to nothing salary wise and who gets shut down by women on a weekly basis. Impersonation is the sincerest form of flattery but this is too far. Against the wishes of this anonymous messenger, I have to expose this guy for what he really is. A faux Johnny D. A wannabe. In the words of the immortal Jackie Chiles, from my favorite television show, Seinfeld, “It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous!” He stole the bi-line from my Twitter account “I have the most eclectic iTunes library in North America.” He went back to a tweet that I wrote on February 8th to claim that he had an affinity for Tevas.
just ordered these. bye haters pic.twitter.com/z5llkXbdlF
— jon with an h (@dudaronomy) February 8, 2016
Maybe I’m being a little unfair with the Tevas tweet. A lot of people love Tevas. But you have to be a certain kind of person to wear them. Tevas are peak Caucasian suburban dad. I wear them despite literally all of my friends telling me that they’re hideous. But I have irrational self-confidence. It can’t be shaken by a girl shutting me down and it certainly isn’t shaken when someone starts making fun of my outfit. Something tells me this guy does not own Tevas or listen to Tom Petty. But lets delve a little deeper into this DM for a second. An affinity for Palazzo pants? Are you fucking kidding me? No male in America knows what Palazzo pants are unless they actively searched for the name of said pants. I saw them in a Duke Dumont video and, you guessed it, I tweeted about them. These pants are amazing, and I couldn’t contain myself after I saw the butt below.
— jon with an h (@dudaronomy) March 9, 2016
I’m not saying there aren’t other guys who don’t love Palazzo pants, but I’m willing to bet next months rent that 9 out 10 guys could not accurately name them. Coupled with the line about the iTunes library and Tevas, I think it’s clear that I am a victim of internet personality theft. And I’m okay with it. Hell, I said as much in an advice column I wrote yesterday. I write dating advice columns from time to time. The point of those columns is for people to use the advice. But I didn’t say you could just start impersonating me for your own personal gain. Here is where this guy went wrong.
“I had no idea that this wasn’t OG content until he sent me a link to one of your blog posts. I thought it was pretty funny (yeah, you’re welcome) so I did some obligatory stalking and found you on Twitter. I then realized that 95% of his ‘smooth lines’ came from your tweets.”
Steal someones identity for me one time, bro. You absolutely have to be better than this. Let me drop a little knowledge on you because I have a feeling this isn’t going to deter you from trying this again with some other guy in the near future. You can’t start spouting off my lines and then come back with a link to one of my articles. This guy bit my style and then gave away his entire plan by sending a link to all of my stuff.
How mundane and average is this guys everyday life? I seriously want to know. It takes some real effort to have a Hinge match on your phone in one hand, and all of my tweets and articles pulled up on your laptop so you can pull lines to spit game at some poor girl. What was your plan if the girl wanted to meet up? Were you going to call me and have me put a little piece in your ear so I could whisper lines to you from a surveillance truck outside? Here I thought I was doing something horribly wrong in regards to dating, only to find out that there are people riding my jock so hard that they decided THIS would be a good idea, hours after I posted a short column about it:
“The kicker? The other day I went back to check his Hinge profile after reading your blog on dating apps and lo and behold — his new bio line: “Great hair. Decent ass”. Serious question: do I give him another chance and chalk it up to him being a big fan or should I move on bc that’s semi-weird?”
I have to go into seclusion now, right? Like there’s no way I can continue my assault on Chicago bars every weekend crushing Miller Lites. How am I supposed to go out when I know there’s a guy, somewhere out there, who more than likely wants to wear my skin and start telling people his name is Johnny D.
You couldn’t find anyone better than me to copy? A couple people come to mind right off the top of my head who are, more than likely, much nicer than I am. A Will DeFries for example? Roger Dorn? I just want to know why you chose me. I guess I’m obscure enough on the internet that you probably thought you wouldn’t get caught? I hate to break it to you, pal, but it appears that I have eyes everywhere.
If you, the perp, is reading this, I’d like to say that more than anything, I’m flattered. Flattered that you chose me, your run of the mill 24 year old white kid with a middle of the road job and owner of some of the corniest pickup lines in the world, to imitate. I guess I’m not doomed to singledom for eternity after all. If my little shtick worked on this unsuspecting girl, whose to say it won’t work on others? What happened here is a real shame, and if there’s anyone I feel bad for it’s the guy. He decided he’d hop on Hinge, fire off a few lines from my Twitter account and get the girl. He literally just did all of the dirty work for me.
Did you guys really think I wasn’t going to go in for the kill after this little DM confession? I’m still waiting on a response from this message I sent.
“I hate to be crass but I think the real question here is when can you and I get drinks?”
Let’s hope it’s this weekend. I think this would be great story for our future grandchildren. If any of you are looking to follow The Real McCoy, my twitter handle is provided below. Now cue the motherfucking tape. .
Image via Shutterstock