This is in no way a real interview with Evan Spiegel, the CEO of Snapchat, and if you did think it was real, then we can’t really do anything to help you.
Interviewer: Hi, my name is Ivanna Jakhov and today I am interviewing the enigmatic CEO of Snapchat. Over the past several months Snapchat has been all over the news for rejecting buyout offers of $3 billion and $4 billion from Facebook and Google respectively, a lawsuit involving a former partner who claims he came up with the disappearing picture idea, having user information leaked by hackers, and rumors of the CEO hooking up with Taylor Swift. I have been lucky enough to sit down with the Snapchat CEO and have him open up about these issues and tell his side of the story. Welcome, Mr. CEO.
Snapchat CEO: Thanks for having me, Ms. Jack Off.
Ivanna: It’s Jakhov.
Ivanna: So anyways, recently you came out to Forbes and explained why you rejected Facebook’s $3 billion cash offer, saying that $3 billion was just a “short term gain” and that you sensed weakness and opportunity. Your explanation has drawn a lot of criticism with many people, including tech billionaire Mark Cuban, saying it is insane for a company with $0 in sales to expect a higher offer than $3 or $4 billion with all the risk involved. How do you respond to that?
CEO: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to say? We’re worth way more than $4 billion in the long term. Some schmu…uh…investors just gave me $50 million for 2.5% of my company. That’s a $2 billion valuation if you suck at math, and life. I didn’t even ask for the investment. They’d probably let me snort coke off their wives’ AND mistresses’ bikini lines for another half percent of my company. I don’t do short term gains. Marriage, retirement accounts, having children, staying healthy…forget that short term shit. I’m in life for the long haul. We’ve got enough eyeballs to be worth tens of billions of dollars. All these little brat Gen Z fuckers love Snapchat. We’re not going anywhere. We’re approaching a billion snaps a day and we’re at however many billion eyeballs a year. That alone should double our price.
Ivanna: So you aren’t worried about the shelf life of one product social media companies? Especially ones with $0 in sales?
CEO: Were you not just fucking listening to me, Jack Off? We’re going to be the next Facebook. If Fuckerberg can keep his POS company afloat for a decade, I should have no problem doing the same.
Ivanna: Again, it’s Jakhov. So moving on, are you at liberty to provide any details about this dispute with your former business partner over whether he deserves money or equity from the company?
CEO: Fuck that motherfucker. This is my company. I thought up the little Snapchat ghost; I thought up the yellow-colored background; it’s my company.
Ivanna: Is it true that he came up with the disappearing photo idea?
CEO: Well that doesn’t mean he deserves any of my…our fucking money! What do I look like, the Salvation Army? I’m not giving any fucking handouts. I’ll tell that lazy, no talent bastard to his face to go find a job.
Ivanna: Moving on, could you give us an update on the leaked user data? On the Today Show you didn’t seem very apologetic to the users.
CEO: Ok, look, I’ll tell you what I told that fucking tool Carson Daly. I’m not John fucking McAfee. Why do people think it’s our responsibility to protect user data? Everyone gets hacked. I’m not looking backwards at that data leak; I’m looking forward at the future of this company. If we keep doing what we’re doing, we’ll be fine.
Ivanna: So you aren’t doing anything to prevent another hack or data leak?
CEO: Good Lord, woman. You’re like a broken record. Can’t you skip to a more relevant question? Ok, look, we released an update that allowed users to opt out of “Find Friends” and separate their phone number from their user name. This way we minimize any data leaking.
Ivanna: Do you think the hacking may hurt the valuation of your company?
CEO: OKAY LOOK, MS. JACK OFF, CAN WE JUST CHANGE THE GODDAMN SUBJECT ALREADY? WE’VE DONE EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN SO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT.
Ivanna: I’m sorry. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift. Are the rumors true? Are you two seeing each other?
CEO: Oh yeah, I’m nailing Taylor at least once a week. It’s nothing serious, just a casual orgy of sex, drugs, and bad music.
Ivanna: Right. How did you two meet?
CEO: Well, usually I’m getting laid like Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse, but it’s been a stressful few months. In early December, the only ass I was getting was from my marketing coordinator Fran in the supply closet. Thank God that big ass venture capital-filled bank account could buy us health insurance that pays for birth control pills. Anyways, I always thought she was a dime piece so I used our resources to track down her Snapchat account and, yes, she has one, and snapped her a flattering shot of my crotch. When she found out I was actually the Snapchat CEO she dropped the innocent act and we started banging.
Ivanna: Do you think it will get serious?
CEO: Well she seems to be catching feelings, but as I told you before marriage is just short-term shit to me. I’ll lead her on and bone her as much as possible until she writes a song about me.
Ivanna: I think I’ve heard enough, Mr. CEO. Thank you for being with us.
CEO: And thank you, Ms. Jack Off. What are you doing later? Did I mention I’m a millionaire?