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Predicting What Will Happen In “House Of Cards” Season 3 Based On The Trailer

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The House of Cards trailer for season three opens right where season two left off, with Francis Underwood taking over the Oval Office as the president of the United States. Crazy to think that after two full seasons, that crazy congressman who would occasionally make sly comments directly to the camera is now president.

The trailer opens with Francis saying, “You want to know what takes real courage?” Having already seen the first two seasons, I assumed he was going to say, “Pushing someone in front of a subway train.” Instead, he says, “Holding it all together when the stakes are this high.” That was my second guess.

For the next twenty seconds of the trailer, everything seems to go swimmingly. We see various shots of the everyday presidential duties. You know, things like shaking people’s hands, standing in rooms with long conference tables, giving speeches in front of gigantic American flags, being in motorcades, and dealing with people refusing to shake your hand in front of dozens of press members. Wait, what? That doesn’t normally happen. Who is that guy? He looks like an older version of former President Walker. You know, President Garrett Walker, the guy Francis ousted to become commander in chief. I bet it’s his dad or something. I know if someone strong-armed me out of being the president of the United States, my dad would have some choice words for that guy.

Oh well, who cares who that was. This trailer is moving too fast to focus on one segment of it.

Now Claire is speaking in front of Congress. She’s probably trying to screw over a nonprofit clean water initiative or something. There are guards standing in a hallway. Now, there’s a guy in jail. What’s that guy doing in jail? Not now, the trailer is moving too fast! We have to keep up.

It cuts to a clip of Francis aggressively kissing Claire. How sweet. It’s cool to think that no matter how manipulative the two of them are, they still have time to be romantic with each other — wait, that’s not Francis. Francis is off to the side clapping, until he realizes that guy just aggressively kissed his wife. Oh man, I think that’s President Walker’s dad again! He has some serious beef with Francis. Clearly, Francis is not happy about his wife being aggressively kissed by President Walker’s dad. You can tell, because the next shot is of Francis and Claire sitting in a limo, not talking, and looking out separate windows. Francis looks more pissed now than that time he had to fly to South Carolina to deal with that giant peach water tower that looked like a butt. I bet he says something like, “Claire, how many times do I have to tell you? If you’re going to kiss another man, it’s going to be my head of detail Meechum, and we’re going to do it together.”

The trailer cuts back to other shots, like shadowy figures standing at the end of hallways, protests with unified T-shirt wearers, and Claire lying awake in her bed. Poor Claire, she probably deeply regrets letting President Walker’s dad aggressively kiss her, especially in front of Francis. Either that or she’s lying awake waiting for Francis to come home after sleeping around with another college-aged blogger who he’ll eventually murder.

Now Francis and Claire are walking on opposite sides of the room in a “middle school siblings”-type fight: “You stay on your side of the room, and I’ll stay on mine, poop face!” I really hope they’re okay, but I’m willing to bet that the overarching theme of season three is marital issues.

If you think about it, the third installment of any trilogy is always all about relationships. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was all about Indy’s relationship with his father, The Mighty Ducks 3 focused on Charlie’s relationship with his new junior varsity head coach, and Star Wars: Episode III focused on…well…I actually don’t know. I fell asleep in that one. Clearly, this third season will be all about Francis and Claire’s relationship. In fact, I feel like this third season will be more lighthearted and almost have somewhat of a romantic comedy feel. Francis and Claire will split up, and Francis will probably move out for a bit. The president moving out of the White House? Try and tell me that doesn’t have all the makings of a quirky rom-com. He’ll probably crash on his buddy’s couch, who will be played by Seth Rogen, Owen Wilson, or Kevin Hart. Actually, based on the current state of Hollywood, it will probably be friggin’ Kevin Hart.

Francis must now find a way to win back the heart of the woman he loves more than sharks love blood. While Claire is being seduced, aggressively kissed, and slowly won over by President Walker’s dad, Francis must call on the help of his friends to win her back. All of your favorites return to help, including Remy Denton, Freddy from Freddy’s BBQ Joint, that computer hacker guy with the pet guinea pig from season two, Linda Vasquez, the ghost of Doug Stamper, Meechum, and friggin’ Kevin Hart. We’ll see if this ragtag group of politicians can pull off the greatest con of all: winning back the heart of Claire Underwood.

The soundtrack for season three will include new music from Taylor Swift, Natalie Imbruglia, Paula Cole, Ed Sheeran, whatever song that’s in the trailer that includes the sounds of someone screaming, and a new remix of Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor,” in which Claire says, “We’re murderers, Francis,” and Francis responds, “We’re survivors.”

I’ve watched a lot of House of Cards in my day — two full seasons worth — so trust me, I know what I’m talking about. This season is going to be heartwarming.

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Austin Huff

Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.

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