Please Put Me On Reality TV

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Please Put Me On Reality TV

I have a confession to make: My name is Kendra, and I fucking love reality TV. I really just love TV in general (if we’re being totally honest) but reality TV will always have a special place in my heart.

It probably goes back to the original Survivor which was a complete phenomenon back in ’97. My parents would let me stay up to watch to watch those 16 contestants live out a true life version of Castaway. I’d curl up in a blanket and just cross my little fingers that Kelly would keep winning challenges and that a girl would be the sole-Survivor. Never mind that my girl-power-hopes were dashed by a middle-aged man who went to jail for tax evasion; I was hooked.

It started with me watching people lose weight because all they had to eat was coconuts and has now become my vice. Having a bad day? Watch Hoarders and see how much worse it could be. Need a pick me up in the afternoon? Check out what’s up with the Kardashians and silently agree with everyone on the internet that Scott Disick is the best. Reality TV is total shit, and I know that. But I just can’t stop watching.

There are several formats to reality TV, but they all have some tried and true moments that make them hard to turn off and turn away. The crying confessionals, the arguments between cast-mates, the inevitable reunion spats? I’m into it. I think I’ve seen pretty much every show out there at this point and may have to follow my calling of becoming a Reality TV Star. Watch out Kathy Griffin – I’m coming for you and that D-List.

The Real World

I wasn’t even sure that this was still playing on MTV until they rolled through my college town in Montana looking for the craziest bucket of rednecks they could find. My gay buddy and I went to the casting call, and even though he has a robot tattoo and was wearing a polka dot bowtie, he wasn’t even deemed insane enough to put into a house to stop being polite and start getting real. It made me realize how much of a character I would have to be, and should The Real World casting crew ever present themselves to me again: I’m ready.

I would totally be the alternative, hipster chick that everyone thought was just going to be reading Vonnegut in the corner, but then I will stir the pot and make everything awful. Riley and Camille are into each other? I’m going play both sides by getting him to endlessly chase her while simultaneously whispering in her ear, “This is experience is supposed to just be fun! Bring the DJ from the bar back to the house!” Everyone’s wasted? I’m convincing someone to go snorkeling in the fish tank. Somebody’s LDR rolls to the MTV house? I’m spilling the beans about everything that’s gone down because “I just believe in honesty.”

Evil and maniacal? Absolutely. A real life representation of who I am? 100 percent false. But it will make for some can’t-turn-away train wrecks for the show, me a great villain, and pretty much solidify my spot in any Challenges that follow featuring former MTV cast members. Something wicked this way comes: ME.

The Voice

Fun fact about me: I have a music degree. *insert microphone emoji here* Another fun fact about me: I have a best-friend with the voice of a damn angel. Do we like to get drunk and record videos of ourselves harmonizing and riffing before sobering up juuuuust enough to not put them on YouTube. You bet. Am I pretty sure whenever we get around to forming a band we’ll be instantly invited to duet with Taylor Swift on her next world tour? About 1989% yes.

But to The Voice.

Here’s the idea. We both audition, get selected, but pick different coaches. The entire season is centered around our friendship. While we’re competitive, we just wish the best for each other because, “I know how hard he worked to get where he is today”. Inevitably we are the final two and have to sing a heartfelt duet (I’m thinking an acoustic version of “Roar” or we could go classic and do “And I Will Always Love You”, but I’m open to suggestions) together knowing that only one of us can win. There will be tears, there will be emotional speeches about how proud of each other we are, we will capture the hearts of America.

Don’t worry, NBC. We’ve got your next season covered.

The Bachelor

Okay, second confession of the day. I have actually never seen an entire episode of The Bachelor. I get the general concept but haven’t ever jumped into the pool of reality TV dating shows except for the VH1 classics Flavor of Love and Rock of Love. That being said, I have a feeling I could be a pretty amazing contestant.

First, there’s the career. What better way to already solidify myself as a walking red flag then to say that I write for the internet? I could walk around with a notebook just jotting down bullshit but have all of the other women reeling thinking that I’m going to be writing a tell-all about my time on the show. They’d tiptoe around me or get too drunk off of white wine and then come for me claiming, “I’m here for love but you’re just here for your BOOK.” Which, to be fair, not wrong. But think of the drink flinging fights that would ensue!

Second, I just get along with guys. Do I think the bachelor and I would fall in love? Probably not. We’d probably have a couple of make-out sessions and shoot the shit a lot before having the epiphany that we just make great friends. So I’d quickly become his best friend on the show. The one he comes to to talk about how bizarre he’s feeling about the experience and how he wished that he could just have a moment with no cameras and no bullshit. We’d come up with a secret handshake, it’d piss all of the other girls off even more.

I’ve already got my limo outfit picked out and can’t wait to just say, “You don’t even know him!” to some blonde girl who inevitably has an ‘i’ at the end of her name where there should be a ‘y’.

I will accept that rose, and my 15 minutes that will come with it.

Image via YouTube

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