I am a moderately-attractive female with a semi-extensive knowledge of sports, actually extensive knowledge of beer and universally-accepted good taste in music. Dating shouldn’t be that hard, right?
WRONG. So wrong. The most wrong.
Aside from one fluke Tinder match, my love life has been as interesting as cable access television post-graduation. Not for lack of effort, as I am no recluse. Quite the contrary, actually. I rarely spend weekends inside and am open to far more activities than bar hopping. So, why am I beau-less?
When it comes down to the get down, I really don’t have what it takes to get down. I’m awkward and wear my (real) hipster glasses out on the town, which basically act as male repellant. The only guys that are down with what I’m working with are the kinds of guys who still let their mothers cut their hair. But I digress. Despite my shoot-and-miss dating faux pas, I’m sure others can relate.
What are these standards you speak of? College was literally a free-for-all. You could make out with any human without shame or judgment and never see them again. It was the perfect storm of sluttiness. Fast forward a few years, and all of a sudden you actually have to see people you’re courting as potential life partners. Yikes.
I am nowhere near ready to find the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Hell, I can barely keep a plant alive. Lies – I can’t keep a plant alive, as it is currently rotting in the front of my office. And yet, I’m not into the whole casual sex thing. I wish I was, for it would make my life so much easier, but alas, I was cursed with the ability to feel things. Damn you, emotions.
So for me it comes down to this: I don’t want to date anyone because it would be a waste of time, but I don’t want to randomly hook up with people. I’m a walking, sexless paradox.
Dating Is Expensive
This is a no-brainer. Shit costs money. Bitches like shit. I’m no mathematician or logician, but by the transitive property, if you want to bag a classy lady, she’s going to want shit, therefore you have to spend money. Is it worth it? For me, it usually isn’t.
Dating Is boring
Has your loneliness stooped to Tinder levels yet? Congratulations, you’re a millennial. Welcome to the club; we’re a bunch of misfits who can’t interact in normal social situations, so we have to result to phone applications to get laid. High five, Gen Y.
But the sad thing is that this is normal now. Instead of meeting people the old fashioned way (you know, in real life), we are so lazy that we don’t even want to find people in person. Boring. I’d be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t Tinder, but eventually you have to shut that down and go outside and interact with real humans in real life.
Dating Requires Effort
After eight of hours of work, do you really want to meet up with someone you don’t really know to have a subpar conversation over an overpriced glass of wine? As soon as I get home, the pants come off and the Netflix goes on and I have zero shame. Dating takes effort, and unless someone is Han Solo-cool, I don’t really feel like taking the effort to feign interest. Maybe that makes me a bitch, or maybe that makes me the opposite of a bitch because I’m not about to waste anybody’s time.
When it comes down to it, do you really want a significant other? Sure, cuddling is fun and I have no complaints about constant sex. Bring it on, in fact. But these are your precious years of freedom. Unless there’s someone REALLY worth it, be selfish. When I finally find the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I will be the best wife ever because I’m awesome. But until then, I’m going to live this life solo, thanks.